Among the Dents and Scrapes...

Yesterday morning my mind returned to where I was when we ushered in 2011. Very precisely we were pulling out of a gas station somewhere close to Jacksonville, FL on our way to Savannah, GA on the back of my husband's motorcycle. Not particularly the warmest place at the time but I was happy. And that's saying something...

My husband started this tradition (that he hasn't necessarily carried on) that we had to pick a "theme song" each year and it HAD to be the first song we heard just after midnight into the new year. Well, the song I chose for this past year was "Angel" by Jack Johnson which is rather ironic b/c these particular lyrics became quite poignant AND true- more than I had intended. Particularly the part that says, "You gotta be careful when you got good love 'cause an angel's will just keep on multiplying".

...We are now expecting our first child in less than a week, ha.

I didn't quite believe life could get to be any more of a roller coaster but that is EXACTLY what this year has been- in EVERY single way. Maybe it was just the hormones but I have a hunch that was the least of it. In any case, we were laughing the other morning, sitting on our front porch, that the condition of our vehicle described precisely what 2011 has been in our lives and marriage- dented and scraped up, touched up, not necessarily pretty or coveted but still going forward and running faithfully.

Some days that is all I can really know to hope for but honestly 

others I mourn that we lose who we are so very often.

This reminds me of the passage in Ecclesiastes that talks about "Seasons"- that there is one for everything. Isn't THAT the truth?

After (well, ok, maybe I'm just in the middle of) this season, I can wholeheartedly say I've never been a better person- which if you've been in a place like this you understand that does NOT mean life has been all glitter and roses. However, I"m reminded all the time that even in nature and creation we see that only through difficulty and hardship comes purity and newness.
And a very blatant theme of the past year for me has been GRACE in the midst of just that.

Time and time again I was faced with whether I would decide to give it away or keep it for myself. In the most harsh of circumstances. The one truth that I could never quite shake is how much grace GOD has given ME- every day of my life. And perhaps my one purpose in this life is to share that same grace- it's up to me to accept that purpose or reject it with every chance I'm given. I'm sure there have been times I have failed to make the right choice, or in the least failed to display it like I ought to, but as very hard as it was those first few times, now it is second nature. This is in and of itself by God's grace because I am very much by nature a stubborn person with a very keen sense of justice- which now that I think about it, remember my parents verbalizing at my high school graduation that they prayed God would use for His glory at some point in my life. I think that prayer has been answered, Mom and Dad. For only NOW has my sense of justice been refracted by God's perspective... and THAT is a powerful thing. Perhaps that has been the ONLY point. I'll never know this side of heaven but what matters is being OK with that.

Anyways, we did a LOT this year. OK, I guess that isn't too out of the ordinary. Maybe just with all the drama along the way it seemed like a lot more than normal. In a nutshell, it's been a year of drastic moves, drastic changes, drastic revelations, drastic decisions, drastic insecurities, and drastic discernment.

Perhaps that's why I'm sitting here at home on New Years Eve, typing on the computer at 10:30p without any plans and only the bed waiting for me- probably before midnight because, why not- and this seems perfectly appropriate.

After all, it is in the quiet moments, when it is just me and you in the very rawness of who we are- singularly and cohesively- that life breathes on exactly as it should. Only then. I can only hope that when you look back on this year that you can see all I really wanted was to be your Angel...

there's no telling what this next year will bring- most likely some excruciating heartache as well as exuberant joys as life is celebrated on both ends- but I am ever more confident in the Lord's providence and sovereignty through all Seasons and look forward to the new area of life He has planned to chip away at through the realities 2012 will bring...

BRING IT ON!

YOUR choices~

the hours of the night grow shorter once again...

and i cannot shake the vengeance of being blamed

for exaggerated crimes i have not even committed.

over and over and over...

am i truly to just sit here and take it? blow by blow?

(i didn't sign up for this)

at some point you have to realize 

and accept what YOU have done...

and yet i'm here.

and i take it.

and i won't go anywhere.

and i KNOW one day all these sins will be atoned for.

WHAT IS THIS MADNESS??

where has LIFE gone?

how has the could've, would've, what if been allowed to steal the very breath you breathe?

erase the very memory of what was good and pure from your recollection?

how could you forget all that we had?

(and remember EVERYTHING BUT US??!!?!)

the only words or thoughts that have power are those that you allow to take root and fester and grow.

is life really all that comfortable now?

("For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?" - Mat 16:25-26 KJV)

i do think we are MEANT to be lost without our
Creator.

(once you taste the truth you 

can NEVER really deny it... 

the soul knows TOO MUCH)

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery." - Gal 5:1 NASB

...i will NOT be held captive by your insecurities and pride and irresponsibility. 

can you REALLY say He has left you without the means to take back your life?

perhaps you don't even see that you've lost it...

The complexities of what faith encompasses...

Soooooo, not sure why but for some reason have been totally uninspired to write on this blog lately... can pregnancy hormones do that too???! they are so multi-faceted...

Anyways,

...here's a rather astounding truth I've been coming to terms with as of late...

I've been doing a Bible Study with about 4-5 friends each week. One that is centered around believing God:
-believing He is Who He says He is
-believing He can do what He says He can do
-believing I am who God says I am
-believing I can do what God says I can do        and
-believing that God's word is active and living in me

some pretty good concepts if you ask me- they seem pretty simple but in actuality are pretty complex. I've been mulling over #2 specifically

~believing He can do what He says He can do~

this one in particular because I've come to realize that in order to believe this of God i must ALSO believe that just because he chooses NOT to do something in my life does not mean it's time for me to work on fixing it.

this certain point has made me realize that in the past when God has chosen not to do something i've asked Him for, then i tend to try and take over the steering wheel again- instead of accepting and CONTINUING to trust even when He does not work miracles.

this past week's study was particularly encouraging as it touched on examples of lives of people in the Bible that had to learn this same lesson. a couple examples:

1. John the Baptist- this one really blew me away b/c i don't remember him being at a point when he doubted what God was doing or Who he was- after all, he is the  one who proclaimed 

"Behold the Lamb of God Who takes away the sins of the world." 

YET
when he found himself in prison he couldn't help but reevaluate his beliefs about God. Hmmmm.....

2. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego- you know, the three guys who found themselves in the fiery furnace because they refused to worship an idol like the King commanded? yeah... ASTOUNDING faith. again, never really noticed this part of their story
BUT
when they were told what would happen to them if they refused to bow before the idol they responded,

"our God whom we serve is ABLE to deliver us from the furnace...

BUT EVEN IF HE DOES NOT

let it be known to you, O king, that WE ARE NOT going to serve your gods or worship that which you have set up."

THAT is the kind of faith and fortitude i want to exhibit in my life!

WOW.

and then last night i was re-reading a chapter out of Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist again... and in the process was reminded of why her writing speaks so deeply to my soul...

"I believe that God is making all things new. I believe that Christ overcame death and that pattern is apparent all through life and history... I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything's easy. I believe that loss and emptiness and confusion often give way to new fullness and wisdom...

But for a long season, I forgot all those things...

I realized all at once... that the story I was telling was the wrong one- or at the very least, an incomplete one... Looking back now I can see that it was more than anything a failure to BELIEVE in the story of who God is and what He is doing in this world... Instead of living that story I began to live a much smaller story, and that story was only about me. I wanted an answer, a timeline, and a map. I didn't want to have to TRUST God or anything I couldn't see. I didn't want to wait or follow... even when I sat in church and begged for God to direct my life, those things didn't have a chance to transform me, because under those actions and intentions was a rocky layer of faithlessness, fear, and selfishness."

I prayed to be rescued, not redeemed. I prayed for it to get easier, not that I would be shaped in significant ways. I prayed for the waiting to be over, instead of trying to learn something about patience or anything else for that matter.

I couldn't make peace with uncertainty- but there's nothing in the biblical narrative that tells us certainty is part of the deal..."

...in the very least it was a good reminder to me of what a healthy focus is for me right now. over the past couple months my prayers have consistently been for redemption, reclaiming. the Enemy is so very persistent but i have NO doubt my God is orchestrating His own battle... it's just the waiting, the putting up with, the tolerating... living within a wasteland of souls that weighs me down so that i forget that MY story is ALREADY one of redemption and life, growth and abundance!

as nervous as i am, i can not WAIT to hold this little one in my arms... 

a new promise, a new blessing, a gift of grace.

redemption. 

it's all around...

the consequences of life change

i know, i know. it's been an ETERNITY.

it's been somewhat of an intentional hiatus as i found myself pregnant about 5 months ago and at that point wasn't at liberty to reveal what was really going on...

then there was the greatest storm of my life that has finally died down after 3 or 4 months but zapped EVERY part of my being that i wasn't already giving away...
perhaps in time bits and pieces will come out but

~FOR NOW~

it's time to come back and find TRANSPARENCY again.

so at this point, i am 22 weeks pregnant. i have been loving every- ok, MOST- minutes of it... until this week.

i knew the day would come when i would 'pop' but it's rather disconcerting. at this point it feels a lot more like a 'beer belly' and that i've simply gone on a 2 week binge- scary. one thing that always helped me 'measure' myself was by the way my clothes fit. well, let's just say that a consistent 8weeks of that changing constantly has gotten me a little tipsy turvy in the department of being ok with ME.

i have to say, it did surprise me a bit that it hasn't hit me 'til the past couple weeks but at the same time it has me surprised in every way. ugh.

i suppose at this point this all probably has a lot to do with no longer working as of 2 weeks ago.

i've been staying busy just fine and so i thought i WAS fine, but it wouldn't surprise me if this has a lot more to do with finding worth in myself as a WIFE and MOTHER. imagine that.

i should've known this would come up.

i've had a job since i was 14- HALF MY LIFE!!

and now THAT is not any part of my identity.

now, i am TRULY stripped! AHHHH! darn.

how does an overachiever measure worth

when there is nothing to measure it by?!

yikes.

maybe this is where i start trusting in what God says instead of what i can deduce about myself? double yikes.

but, honestly, when it really comes down to it, the pregnant body IS AMAZING! and who created and formed and ordered such a life process??! the very ONE who says i AM full of worth. maybe i need to see this whole mothering thing a lot more differently...

maybe the things i want to attain in this stage of life are wholly and completely unattainable.

what's more, maybe all those things are wholly and completely WORTHLESS.

how could i have forgotten?!

...anyways, i'd already scheduled another 'image board' making day with a friend tomorrow but i have a hunch it will simply bring me back to who i am organically as God created me to be.

it will remind me of all the thing God has created me to do and will show me all the things i am doing that are worthless and are 'grasping for the wind'.

my heart is open and i'm excited to see what i'll find...

need v. want

so i've been a little absent from my blog since last post for a few different reasons...

first, right after i'd posted i was getting back into working out a little i was in a car accident and so now am not working out at all AGAIN.

secondly, i'm maybe enjoying life a little too much, well that's good. ha

thirdly, not being able to work out is forcing me to be even more creative in being active and also is making me focus on more and work through my relationship with food. time-consuming but good. really good.

which brings me to my point- sometimes what we want in life is not what we need.

ie: food. i've been trying to live by the standard of eating however much of whatever i want when i'm actually hungry. but i've always questioned, ok, that's all well and good but how exactly does that fit in with my pre-diabetic condition? and what i've realized that i missed part of the point... the point of separation between body/mind and emotion. see, my relationship with food has been largely based on emotion, but actually taking the time to feel hunger cues and to then hone in with my mind into what my body actually wants as opposed to my emotions is a whole new thing. having a pre-diabetic condition, my body is not really going to be wanting those kinds of food that make it sick. amazing... i guess in the past i have viewed my body as one with my emotions and therefore could not trust it. now i know different. my body DOES know what it wants- if i let them, my emotions are simply what confuses it.

this subject matter is all very comical given i just now remembered that my husband used to tell me when we were just friends,

"i won't give you what you want but i'll give you what you need". 

not that that is humanly comprehensible by another human, but funny all the same.

anyways, a thought i had last night, which is completely opposite of above point-
"i don't need you, but i want you".

and it's true. no one necessarily needs any one person yet we end up with someone whom we are forever inclined to choose to want whether or not we feel like we need to. and aren't i vindicated when i make that right choice to want time and time again when i don't really feel like it? hmmmm, think again...

although it was rather freeing to have that thought and then it hit me like a ton of bricks that that is exactly how marriage was intended to be. have you heard that statement somewhere else??????!!!

how about the Bible?
not word for word, yet that is the whole message of it. God does NOT need us yet He elects time and time again to want us, to want to be a part of our lives and to be loved back. He, of His own volition, created human beings who He KNEW would defy Him yet He invested His whole being into us b/c He chose to WANT us. to have communion.

so why am i surprised that this profound realization ended up in my head?? i shouldn't be. marriage is a complete reflection of God's love for us, of His continued yearning, continued pursuit, continual sacrifice. this story has been around for AGES.

yep, i end up pretty humble when i compare myself to HIS example as opposed to those of other humans. bummer. guess i'm not so special after all... no super human powers, no super human graces, simply the story of God living and breathing in this body. yes, THAT is communion.

and how appropriate this week of Easter... truly, it was a scandalous night.
not another like it in all of history.

Finding moments of celebration~

i am running and working out again. for a few different reasons. in a new, different way.
1. my soccer performance sucks! lol.
2. i need the mood booster- after 4 weeks or so i had TERRIBLE mood swings :)~
3. i DO enjoy it. in moderation, when i want it
4. cellulite, cellulite go away! ha. can't handle it

here's how i'm exercising differently:
1. short distances/times but making the most of it ie: sprints, intervals
2. i'm finding myself wanting to go for a run more to get outside than to actually accomplish something
(SUCCESS!- i am learning that i do NOT have to prove anything to myself!)
3. planning ahead, planning ahead, planning ahead. i feel good about working out 2 of the 4 days that i work with possible volleyball games on a 3rd day. this has helped me manage my time during the week much better to get in some activity but not be stressed about it.
4. i've stopped trying to one-up anyone- including myself!! it's just a ridiculous way to live.

ALL of this not in vain. over the past 4 weeks or so i have also made some life changes that are helping me a LOT to get through my hurried 4 days of work along with volunteer stuff and loooong commutes:

1. i have compiled a cookbook of fav recipes in a way that will help me be more efficient with grocery shopping/meal prep on weekends so that i don't have to devote so much brain juice and time to dinners during the week.

2. i have also started laying out my outfits for work each week so that when i wake up in the morning i have choices but not a whole closetful of them! WAY too daunting when i'm not even awake. AMAZING how this has helped!
(came upon the idea when thinking back to my trip to Mexico and how i was so happy with just a limited part of my wardrobe at a time- it was all thought out yet with room for creative options)

3. i've quit devoting time to things i do NOT enjoy! what a concept, i know. but think about it- how much time do you waste on the computer, on your phone, watching TV, driving, walking through the mall, the grocery store? NO MORE! i have gotten in the habit of asking myself, "do i REALLY want to be doing this??" and most of the time can find something much greater i'd rather devote my time to. i am paying more attention to what tasks/activities really fulfill me and which ones are simply an escape/time-filler

4. no more procrastinating! imagine that. i bought myself a mini planner so that i can keep track of the things i'd like to get done each day- both necessary and purely selfish. it gives me a starting point and reminds me of the things i really WANT to do- and this way i don't end up bogged down on Thursday night so that i coast my way through Friday. GOOD STUFF :)

obviously i do not always make these conscious choices like i should but it is already really changing my life. no joke. oh yeah,

5. i'm getting up early in the morning to spend some time reading the Bible and allowing myself to be challenged spiritually each day. and i'm ENJOYING it! sad that i'd think i wouldn't, i know, but i'm just not a morning person... maybe one day. i know this change in my life has really made a big difference and i'm thankful

so really, this "fast" from exercise- the thing that has been my escape- has not been about the running but it's also not not been about the running.

it's simply that getting it out of the way i've been able to SEE so much more clearly the way i live my life because it's not been clouded by this trophy of myself of who i thought i was.

not forcing myself into self discipline but rather forcing myself into self-appreciation.

"If I gave you a sweater, and you loved it, I would know because you would wear it so much you'd be on the verge of wearing it out, because you loved it that much... It would start to smell like you, and it would get snags and get all stretched out, and just looking at it would make you tell a thousand stories of where it's been and who you've been in it.
That's what I want my life to be, like a well-loved gift. I think life, just life, just breathing in and out, is a great gift. God gives us something amazing when he gives us life, and I want to live with gratitude... If life were a sweater, I would wear it every day. I wouldn't save it or keep it for a special occasion. I would find every opportunity to wear that sweater..."

Life IS good. God created GOOD.

"I have to remind myself that it is good. I have to create hope in my life, because there's something inside me that has radar for the bad parts of life... I have a dark, worst-case scenario sensor, and it takes over. It's all true. There are crumbs on the counter. I am definitely getting wrinkles. I just don't want to live in only that reality... Because there's another reality. A better one. Hope and redemption and change are real, and they're happening all around me. So I choose to act out of THAT reality... I can't live there in the disappointment anymore. I've missed whole seasons of my life... I didn't love the gift of life because I was too busy being angry about the life I was given. I wanted it to be different. But being angry didn't change those things. It just wasted time.

It's rebellious, in a way, to choose joy, to choose to dance, to choose to love your life. It's much easier and much more common to be miserable... I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes... I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift, who will use it up and wring it out and drag it around like a favorite sweater.



Let's sizzle and pop in His name. Let's dance and shimmer and scrawl out our stories across the sky, like he taught us to. Let's echo His words, and let our lives speak those words: It is good."

that's what this is all about- embodying the very life God has given JUST TO ME!
and not being afraid to love it. in all its imperfection.

Electing Loss

i think i'm crazy... however, i've been caught in limbo and do not even have a way to tell up from down, right from wrong... crazy from normal. at least i don't think i have a way...

but this just says it all too well...
"...i tried and tried and tried to make something work that had stopped working a long time before i tried to salvage it. and i left, in the end, beccause i had no other choice... i feel like something unraveled around me. i feel more vulnerable and powerless than i have in a decade. i don't recognize myself in the mirror...

the point, i can see now, is not the running. the point is that the running was like a safety pin that was holding me together, and when the pin released, the whole system of my life and my self have fallen apart. i know that this is just something i have done in the past, that it's not a badge of who i am, that it's not as important as my character or my family or my soul. i know.

i know those things, but something has happened to me since i've quit running. something bad. i've lost it, whatever it is. i've lost that sense that i was okay, and that i will be okay again. i've lost all belief in my future. i'm sad and scared and ashamed. without knowing it, without intending to, i've shoved way too much of myself into my running, more than it could possibly bear, and i set myself up to fall a terrible distance if something were ever to happen to that part of my llife... i put all my eggs in that one basket, until it became impossibly heavy, and it broke.

...when i gave up running i gave up my identity, my confidence, my legitimacy. and it's not anyone's fault but my own. it's my fault for trying to find a shortcut, knowing full well that true spiritual depth and actual confidence have no substitutes."

(paraphrased from "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Niequist)

who else purges something from their life that they love, that isn't unhealthy in and of itself, just for the fun of it? well, moreso because i KNOW the motive behind it is wrong. i ask myself if this is even necessary? but when i think of going back to it i feel like i am returning to an old addiction...

well, the previous paragraphs are from last week. yesterday i went for a run.

i discovered over the weekend a really scary truth through a simple statement to my husband and a sudden realization of the answer- i NEED God.

of course i know this yet at the same time have not determined to make good on that realization. it's been my intention for the past couple weeks to get up at 6am every morning simply because i can. to work out a couple of those days, to give myself some time to enjoy the morning, and most certainly to give myself the time to spend with the Lord that i so desperately NEED. i think that giving up running for a few weeks made this realization for change blatantly necessary. and now i see the WHOLE need for change- to be legitimately me in the Lord. without HIM i am NOT legitimate.

so, yes, this week i have been waking at 6am and giving myself those things that i need. and my days are progressing so much better. success!

(we'll see if i can keep it up...)

Subsisto

It's amazing how i am confronted on a regular basis 

with the ways that i continue to manufacture the life i think i want...

for example,
while discussing our current plans to visit Ireland and Scotland this year and at what point during the year we are going to do that i said "while we might as well do it in July because that's when i'll have 16 days off and can you imagine me staying HERE the whole time? i'm gonna want to go somewhere". to which he replied "why do go always want to get away? you avoid this place like the plague. why can't you stay home and be responsible like an adult?"

well, that caught me a little off guard to say the least. probably mainly b/c john doesn't naturally express his true feelings and that is something that we've been working through. sooo, maybe that's why i wasn't offended- because it was so good to hear his true thoughts- but anyhow, i've really been thinking about what he said... because it's true.

so this past weekend he took some time off work and went to a classic car show with his dad.
what did i do?
stayed home.
i didn't make any plans and just stayed home and did do things i've needed and wanted to do.
no exercising, no new diet, also no binging or feeling sorry for myself that i have all these stupid ailments that keep returning and not matter what i do, won't go away.
i LIVED. purely, responsibly, wholly.
(which is a LITTLE difficult after having a bit of a hopelessly depressing week.)

but... it felt GOOD. good to overcome the frustrations, disappointments and difficulties by simply going on. doing normal, daily activities, completing responsibilities instead of following my normal ritual of running, exercising, and running some more. and then wasting the rest of the day in front of the computer...

ANYWAYS,

consider this excerpt from Women, Food and God:

~  "The bottom line, whether you weigh 340 pounds or 120 pounds, is that when you eat when you are not hungry, you are using food as a drug, grappling with boredom or illness or loss or grief or emptiness or loneliness or rejection. Food is only the middleman, the means to the end. Of altering your emotions. Of making yourself numb. Of creating a secondary problem when the original problem becomes too uncomfortable. Of dying slowly rather than coming to terms with your messy, magnificent and very, very short- even at a hundred years old- life. The means to these ends happens to be food, but it could be alcohol, it could be work, it could be sex, it could be cocaine [or it could be exercise]. Surfing the Internet. Talking on the phone... We need it- a lot of it- to go unconscious. To wipe out what's going on. The unconsciousness is what's important, not the [addiction]...

It's about your desire to flatten your life. It's about the fact that you've given up without saying so. It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way- and you're using [your addiction] to act that out without ever having to admit it."  ~

so you see, while exercising has never been a "bad" thing, it has been my numbing agent of choice. a good, safe one, but for the intent of numbing nonetheless. simply the difficulty of staying away from it- literally being addicted to it and truly feeling that i cannot live without it- the purifying, cleansing effect i feel b/c of it- has made that REALLY obvious.

and i was explaining it to my husband last night as this...
"being athletic, fit, able, has been my identity for years. not so much of an addiction as it used to be- or so i thought- but always there. it's like when something happens in my life that makes me feel insecure, unable, defeated, athleticism is the "costume" i have always been able to run to my closet to grab and throw on saying, 'but i'm still this! you can't hurt me. this is my redeeming factor. THIS makes me worth something!'"

and HONESTLY i'm tired of running back to my closet to find my worth.
(ps- i'm really the only one that's ever looking for it)ha

~subsisto~

means to me now at this point in my journey.

the word is truly always evolving...

(the alternate routes of escaping fear and hurt are continuing to shut down one by one.

Perhaps one day i will make this all easier on myself and entirely accept what my mind knows-

that Jesus Christ is the ONLY true route to fulfillment and acceptance...)

Freeing Myself

this week has been really tough.
still learning to be ok with myself sans exercise = HARD.
(why am i afraid to be me without it??)

it's sooo crazy, i'm realizing more and more how it still has been my identity. and struggle with whether or not that's ok? every time i feel bad about myself i want to go for a run or workout to ATONE for whatever i'm feeling bad about. that can't be right. when i am MOST myself i feel fine, eat right, don't even think about working out b/c i am keeping busy with the things i love, and feel FULFILLED. 

i guess it just all comes down to the fact that i really really desire to get to the point where i don't judge myself, in any small way, because of what i see in the mirror or what i do or don't accomplish in a day, week, year before i start 'exercising' again.

i recently made a new image board (-cutouts of pictures/saying from magazines depicting what i want in my life-) and the phrase that keeps catching my eye whenever i pass by it is "Free Yourself". it's sad. i see now how i have never before allowed myself to be anything else but The Athletic One. it's not at all that it's a bad thing to be such but it's about time to allow myself be 'free' again. i know that there is a part of me that likes being athletic and active but i DON'T want it to be a requirement of self-acceptance any more. i'm better than that.

i'm interested to see what will become of me after all is said and done...

as my brother posted the other day:

 "all that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget."

what has your spirit forgotten?

where do your chains need loosed?

"[Luxury] is about pursuing what you love and desire - trusting your instincts and convictions and transforming your life into what you want it to be. In the end, luxury is personal."

Who I Am

have you ever heard the Bible verse about not owing anyone anything? i'd heard it all my life and then last year as i ran across it again i read the second part of the verse which was comPLETEly mesmerizing to me:

"Render to all what is due them: tax to whom tax is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor. Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law."
(Romans 13:7-8)

the reason this verse hit me so is because it made me realize how much i cannot love others until i love myself:

"...'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.'"  
(Matt. 22:39)

...up until this point i had never thought of it as OWING myself love.

as in, non-negotiable.



About 3 weeks ago i started thinking about why i 'love' running half marathons... the answer? It scared me. Well, I guess that answer was really another question but it seemed valid enough to be an answer-

"do i run half marathons b/c it makes me feel important? like i AM somebody?

could this be the new thing i have sought to gain worth from?"

i haven't been able to say 'no' yet and so i do not train.

why?

because to me,

MOTIVE

is

EVERYTHING

while i KNOW we as human beings are created to find fulfillment in accomplishments and a job well done, i also KNOW that i should NOT be looking for my worth in ANYTHING save the Lord. so until i can say 'no, i am not seeking my worth in this accomplishment' i will not be signing up for any more half marathons. that is really hard to say, actually. but i KNOW that getting my identity caught up in all this is exactly what took me to a point of inability to run all those years ago due to knee injuries.

DISCLAIMOR: this does NOT mean by any stretch of the imagination that i will stop all forms of activity. it DOES mean that i am going to choose to enjoy the various parts of my life and not place restrictions, rules, guidelines on myself... which inevitably blind me to all the things i love b/c i'm too busy trying to be enough for myself.


SOOOO.....

i am LOVING life!

ways my life has changed...

1. ever since being in Mexico a couple weeks ago i cannot forget how much i LOVE being outside! every day i look for ways to INSERT outdoor activities into every minute and hour that i can, thus, maintaining an active lifestyle even if it's not necessarily 'exercising'.

2. i'm focusing on eating as 'Clean' as possible. whole grains, vegetables, nuts/protein, etc. and water, water, and well, tea :) ...i'm finding that by not taking so much of my time to workout i have a lot more time to plan and brainstorm how to put more and more fresh produce into my diet.

3. i'm actually finishing projects i start, getting areas cleaned and organized that have been on my to-do list for a month, and am dreaming up new creative possibilities. ALL THIS= productivity!= feeling like i am taking care of myself by doing the things i want to. 

4. this is the big one, I'M LIVING IN THE MOMENT. by not always having this harsh inner voice condemning my inability to reach goals and squeeze everything in i think i ought to, the cloud of expectation is lifted and i have clean, fresh air around me to breathe!= freedom = experiencing life in every way :) 

honestly, the timing of it all has been kind of crazily providential.

God totally started challenging me with these things about a week before i left for Mexico and then my time and activities while there just really solidified it all. it IS possible to be healthy and spend time doing what i love. maybe for so long i haven't been willing to give myself the choice so i just always assumed what i loved without even stopping to think about it.

i KNOW i will be exercising again soon but only b/c i WANT to. because i do KNOW that sometimes it IS what i love. but at other times it is NOT what i want to do and that's OK. it's the pressure on myself that i do NOT love. because it ISN'T love. i should never have to accomplish something to be worthy in my own mind. i AM a woman of worth simply b/c i am a child of God and Christ gave His life for me so that i can live and breathe and find joy abundantly. how dare i do anything other than that? it is enough that...

I ALREADY AM EVERYTHING I SHOULD BE

i WILL NOT make excuses for my true self any more!

this song is SO powerful...