i heard this song in the car today and immediately thought of 4 friends who are going through particularly trying times in their lives right now.

i first heard this song when my mom told me about it last year during a very trying time in my life.

the one common denominator of these struggles? marriage.
interesting, isn't it?
never before in my life have i understood so well the reality of Satan's rule of this world than since the day i said
"I Do". take a look at these words:

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, ... So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, ... This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church." - Eph 5:22-25, 28-29, 32 NASB

do you see a correlation here??! marriage is a DIRECT representation of Christ's relationship with us, lived out in OUR lives. of COURSE Satan is going to attack those who are living God's grace and mercy out in their lives and honoring Him through their marriage relationships.

i find it very unnerving how there isn't more support for marriages within the church. the difficulties and disappointments are not spoken of- it ought to be taught from a young age that to be in a Christ-centered marriage is to be ready for battle! and we wonder why divorce is just as prevalent within the walls of our places of worship as it is outside of them? when will people step up to the plate and teach reality?! it hurts my heart SO much to see my friends struggling so. it ANGERS me to see the Enemy crushing their spirits and hopes telling them that they are failing, not good enough, made a mistake, not able to carry out their vows. LIES!

and yet, there IS hope! one of the most valuable things i have learned over the past couple years is that having a "good" marriage is no accomplishment but that STAYING married IS! not just for the sake of living up to other people's expectations or doing it because it's right but really understanding that marriage is not the point at all. but rather, our sanctification. we, as married partners being refined, changed, made more like Christ. in my experience, marriage is one big, fat chance to exemplify grace over and over and over and over and over... and over again. people that are married for 30, 40, 50+ years do not reach that point because they have been lucky and ended up in a good marriage. they are the warriors, the fighters, the persevering. that kind of milestone can ONLY be reached through a COMPLETE investment of heart and soul and strength and humility. and PRAYER. it does NOT just happen! it is blood, sweat, and tears to the hilt! it is not for the faint of heart or for those seeking a "feeling".

i'll bet that Christ sure didn't "feel" like going to the Cross to show His love for us!
in fact, i KNOW He didn't...

"And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will." ... He went away again a second time and prayed, saying, "My Father, if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, Your will be done." ... And He left them again, and went away and prayed a third time, saying the same thing once more." - Mat 26:39, 42, 44 NASB

and He was PERFECT.
that just gives you a little glimpse of what this is all about. everything within Christ did not want to die but what He did want was to be obedient to God's divine plan so that we would have an example of what TRUE LOVE is! THAT kind of love is what marriage is intended to reflect. and we CAN live out that kind of love in our lives- a love so great that Hollywood can't even touch with a pinpoint...

"what if Your blessings come through raindrops,
what if Your healing comes through tears,
and what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?
...the pain reminds our heart that this is not our home."

Your marriage IS worth it!

safe in the palm of His hand

It's not often that the message on a church's sign means anything to me but the one i saw tonight was just what i needed...


"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit."

when i got home i looked up these words of hope and found the following words surrounding them in perfection like the Bible so often does

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them. O taste and see that the LORD is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! ... The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous And His ears are open to their cry. ... The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit. ... The LORD redeems the soul of His servants, And none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned. - Psa 34:7-8, 15, 18, 22 NASB




it has hit me once again how God's story is so interlaced with redemption, salvation, freedom.
and THAT is hope enough.

to know that it's ok that i'm not in control, that there's no way i can ensure a specific outcome in this tangled web of life-
THAT is freedom.

i feel SO blessed to have such a great hope, to KNOW without a doubt what the end to all these earthly struggles will be. that it will all be worth it and that i have lived a life i can be proud of- worthy of the Lord's calling. redemption WILL come... just not in my timing, and i'm learning to be ok with that.

"...Now I will arise," says the LORD; "I will set him in the safety for which he longs." The words of the LORD are pure words; As silver tried in a furnace on the earth, refined seven times.
- Psa 12:5-6 NASB
 

to have a God who even knows the longing of my heart and to then fulfill that?
THAT is unconditional love and stability.

sincere truth from the very lips of my God.
THAT is peace!

Finding moments of celebration~

i am running and working out again. for a few different reasons. in a new, different way.
1. my soccer performance sucks! lol.
2. i need the mood booster- after 4 weeks or so i had TERRIBLE mood swings :)~
3. i DO enjoy it. in moderation, when i want it
4. cellulite, cellulite go away! ha. can't handle it

here's how i'm exercising differently:
1. short distances/times but making the most of it ie: sprints, intervals
2. i'm finding myself wanting to go for a run more to get outside than to actually accomplish something
(SUCCESS!- i am learning that i do NOT have to prove anything to myself!)
3. planning ahead, planning ahead, planning ahead. i feel good about working out 2 of the 4 days that i work with possible volleyball games on a 3rd day. this has helped me manage my time during the week much better to get in some activity but not be stressed about it.
4. i've stopped trying to one-up anyone- including myself!! it's just a ridiculous way to live.

ALL of this not in vain. over the past 4 weeks or so i have also made some life changes that are helping me a LOT to get through my hurried 4 days of work along with volunteer stuff and loooong commutes:

1. i have compiled a cookbook of fav recipes in a way that will help me be more efficient with grocery shopping/meal prep on weekends so that i don't have to devote so much brain juice and time to dinners during the week.

2. i have also started laying out my outfits for work each week so that when i wake up in the morning i have choices but not a whole closetful of them! WAY too daunting when i'm not even awake. AMAZING how this has helped!
(came upon the idea when thinking back to my trip to Mexico and how i was so happy with just a limited part of my wardrobe at a time- it was all thought out yet with room for creative options)

3. i've quit devoting time to things i do NOT enjoy! what a concept, i know. but think about it- how much time do you waste on the computer, on your phone, watching TV, driving, walking through the mall, the grocery store? NO MORE! i have gotten in the habit of asking myself, "do i REALLY want to be doing this??" and most of the time can find something much greater i'd rather devote my time to. i am paying more attention to what tasks/activities really fulfill me and which ones are simply an escape/time-filler

4. no more procrastinating! imagine that. i bought myself a mini planner so that i can keep track of the things i'd like to get done each day- both necessary and purely selfish. it gives me a starting point and reminds me of the things i really WANT to do- and this way i don't end up bogged down on Thursday night so that i coast my way through Friday. GOOD STUFF :)

obviously i do not always make these conscious choices like i should but it is already really changing my life. no joke. oh yeah,

5. i'm getting up early in the morning to spend some time reading the Bible and allowing myself to be challenged spiritually each day. and i'm ENJOYING it! sad that i'd think i wouldn't, i know, but i'm just not a morning person... maybe one day. i know this change in my life has really made a big difference and i'm thankful

so really, this "fast" from exercise- the thing that has been my escape- has not been about the running but it's also not not been about the running.

it's simply that getting it out of the way i've been able to SEE so much more clearly the way i live my life because it's not been clouded by this trophy of myself of who i thought i was.

not forcing myself into self discipline but rather forcing myself into self-appreciation.

"If I gave you a sweater, and you loved it, I would know because you would wear it so much you'd be on the verge of wearing it out, because you loved it that much... It would start to smell like you, and it would get snags and get all stretched out, and just looking at it would make you tell a thousand stories of where it's been and who you've been in it.
That's what I want my life to be, like a well-loved gift. I think life, just life, just breathing in and out, is a great gift. God gives us something amazing when he gives us life, and I want to live with gratitude... If life were a sweater, I would wear it every day. I wouldn't save it or keep it for a special occasion. I would find every opportunity to wear that sweater..."

Life IS good. God created GOOD.

"I have to remind myself that it is good. I have to create hope in my life, because there's something inside me that has radar for the bad parts of life... I have a dark, worst-case scenario sensor, and it takes over. It's all true. There are crumbs on the counter. I am definitely getting wrinkles. I just don't want to live in only that reality... Because there's another reality. A better one. Hope and redemption and change are real, and they're happening all around me. So I choose to act out of THAT reality... I can't live there in the disappointment anymore. I've missed whole seasons of my life... I didn't love the gift of life because I was too busy being angry about the life I was given. I wanted it to be different. But being angry didn't change those things. It just wasted time.

It's rebellious, in a way, to choose joy, to choose to dance, to choose to love your life. It's much easier and much more common to be miserable... I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes... I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift, who will use it up and wring it out and drag it around like a favorite sweater.



Let's sizzle and pop in His name. Let's dance and shimmer and scrawl out our stories across the sky, like he taught us to. Let's echo His words, and let our lives speak those words: It is good."

that's what this is all about- embodying the very life God has given JUST TO ME!
and not being afraid to love it. in all its imperfection.

Freeing Myself

this week has been really tough.
still learning to be ok with myself sans exercise = HARD.
(why am i afraid to be me without it??)

it's sooo crazy, i'm realizing more and more how it still has been my identity. and struggle with whether or not that's ok? every time i feel bad about myself i want to go for a run or workout to ATONE for whatever i'm feeling bad about. that can't be right. when i am MOST myself i feel fine, eat right, don't even think about working out b/c i am keeping busy with the things i love, and feel FULFILLED. 

i guess it just all comes down to the fact that i really really desire to get to the point where i don't judge myself, in any small way, because of what i see in the mirror or what i do or don't accomplish in a day, week, year before i start 'exercising' again.

i recently made a new image board (-cutouts of pictures/saying from magazines depicting what i want in my life-) and the phrase that keeps catching my eye whenever i pass by it is "Free Yourself". it's sad. i see now how i have never before allowed myself to be anything else but The Athletic One. it's not at all that it's a bad thing to be such but it's about time to allow myself be 'free' again. i know that there is a part of me that likes being athletic and active but i DON'T want it to be a requirement of self-acceptance any more. i'm better than that.

i'm interested to see what will become of me after all is said and done...

as my brother posted the other day:

 "all that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget."

what has your spirit forgotten?

where do your chains need loosed?

"[Luxury] is about pursuing what you love and desire - trusting your instincts and convictions and transforming your life into what you want it to be. In the end, luxury is personal."