So This is Christmas...

my pastor said something last Sunday that i have found quite profound...

"often you will find that most everyone is fine and happy about Jesus in the mangerbut when you put Him on a cross, people have a problem with that."

that's the way it is isn't it? we want to stay in a place of simplicity.

 for when we come to the hard, difficult truths of life we shy away and run into the arms of all we used to know to be pleasant and safe and painless. 

easy, simple, manageable.

but really, is that what life is about???

being able to manage it?

i am convinced without a doubt that it is just the opposite.

this year has not been easy for me. not one bit.

yet i have grown by leaps and bounds- on a monthly basis- and let me tell you, God is squeezing in all He can out of the last few days of this year.

but see, it is out of the hardships, the pain, the grief, the tears and mourning that i HAVE grown. perhaps simply because i CHOSE to make that hard decision to not run.

at the very beginning of my blog i wrote about learning to stay. stay in the pain, stay in the chaos, stay in the ups and downs of life. that has been a really massive theme of my life this year and maybe just now i'm realizing, gratefully, that that theme has an essay that surrounds it.

in these last few days of the year i am facing some of the toughest hurts and emotions of my life and as once again i was COMPELLED without choice to open my Bible to find the strength to function i've been struck by SO many words:

"O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer; and by night, but I have no rest. YET You are holy, O You who are enthroned upon the praises of Israel. In You our fathers trusted; They trusted and You delivered them. To You they cried out and were delivered; In You they trusted and were not disappointed."

and it's TRUE. 

not only have i seen the Lord come through in my own life time and time again in His faithfulness but there is an ENTIRE book the size of 10 novels just overflowing with testimony of His never-ending faithfulness.

and why is it we think we, as Christians can make all the 'right' decisions to pave the way to a picture-perfect life? i don't know, maybe i'm the only one. but seriously, just LOOK at the lives of the people in the Bible. i'm not going to say that almost every one of them committed horrible sins but, well, let's just say God didn't leave us without example of bad decisions gone wrong. who am i kidding?? 

anyways, of course the pain is still there, but i'm also reminded of the man Job. simply ASTOUNDING the hurt and pain he went through- simply to prove to Satan, before God, that he would remain faithful no matter what his circumstances. now THAT is a challenge! and the words of his that are the most unbelievable are in response to his wife's suggestion to curse God and die. to this he replies:

"...you speak as one of the foolish women speaks. shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity also?"

indeed.

and as we think about Christmas and the Christ child i was reminded last

night at the Christmas Eve service of one of my favorite

names of God that comes up much more often around

Christmastime-

'Emmanuel'

meaning

"God with Us"

really, that's all i need to know.

I refuse to live my life saying "I'm fine."

apathy is one of my biggest pet peeves.

i cannot stand it when people become used to a life of acceptance and complacency and CHOOSE to stay in that life.

don't get me wrong, i do believe, of course, that life will always have its ups and downs.

i mean more when it comes to asking for help as opposed to "just dealing".

i find it VERY interesting that people see nothing wrong with turning to professionals for say, personal training, getting the car fixed, having alterations done, etc. but yet have a big problem seeking help when it comes to personal issues- especially when there is a long-term relationship involved that was promised to be forever. the ONE thing that should be valued above all else on this earth.

i say all this because recently i have been finding myself running from the word "fine". that is the last thing i want my life to be because my God created me for an ABUNDANT life and that's what i'm after.

sometimes it's really easy to let circumstances and situations and difficulties weigh me down and keep me from living joyfully, abundantly; but that's exactly what the Enemy wants and i refuse to give in. 

why settle if i don't have to?

it's the way i've lived every other area of my life

so why not?

i am SO happy as of late.

so MYSELF.

feeling.

growing.

living in a very large way.

i am thankful for the strength that God has blessed me with to sustain my sanity and contentment...

i think the difference between complacency and contentment is really interesting:

       ***com·pla·cen·cy

  

         –noun, plural -cies.

1. a feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unawareof some potential danger, defect, or the like; self-satisfaction or smug satisfaction with an existing situation,condition, etc.

***con·tent·ment

— adj
1.	mentally or emotionally satisfied with things as they are
2.	assenting to or willing to accept circumstances, a proposedcourse of action, etc DO YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE??? danger. being unaware of danger. veeeery interesting.

our pastor spoke today on simplicity in the lives of a few of the people surrounding the Christmas story...

1. The shepherds

     *** do you realize that they did not even question what the angels told them??? i'd never thought about this before but it IS rather admirable. to have seen a whole host of angels- a supernatural occurrence-  and to not even stop to scratch their heads?! they simply believed as they said "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about." (Luke 2:15) extraordinary!!! they

 simply BELIEVED

2. Simeon

    ***and Simeon who had waited his WHOLE life to see the "Lord's Christ". can you imagine just going about your life day to day to day knowing it could happen any moment and yet staying faithful to your life, your responsibilities, your God year after year after year. that takes an INCREDIBLE amount of faith and determination to simply WAIT

3. Mary and Joseph

     ***and the parents of Jesus. to WILLINGLY step in to a situation of ridicule and humiliation as those around them speculated on how Mary had become pregnant. and then to continue to follow as their life was uprooted time after time following God's direction without knowing what their next step would be or when. simply OBEYING no matter the difficulty or inconvenience or discomfort. amazing!

the message of these 3 examples gave me hope again to keep believing, waiting, and obeying no matter what some situations or circumstances may look like.

and yet in all three of these examples i cannot help but see the exuberance in all the God was working through the lives of these people. i highly doubt they would say "ok God, it's fine". 

RATHER

"Lord, we will trust every word that comes from Your mouth and in the times when you are silent we will live in light of all the extraordinary things You have shown us thus far and delight in the life You have given us in which to revel and glorify You."

~NOT complacent, but CONTENT~

content.

in freedom, in love, in grace, in joy, in blessings- in NEW ABUNDANT LIFE!

(no matter what the tribulations and trials the above trumps ALL)

i WILL be much more than fine!

with a life full of all these, who wouldn't??!?!

what is YOUR heart longing to say?

i love the purifying properties taking a shower has on my soul.

at the same time, i hate that i feel a need to purify myself.

...it's kind of like the same way i love running and then 60% into my mileage i have this mind game with myself about what in the world was i thinking and what did i ever think i'd accomplish by taking on the world at 5am in the morning. 

~but there's such a sanctity to it too~

honestly, as i've been training for my next up and coming half-marathon that i'll be running this sunday,

one of the songs that i've gone back to time and again is "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns.

Not necessarily the most upbeat, pump-it-up, get 'er movin' kind of song but i've realized along the way that when i don't think i can go any further, when i don't feel like i have another step in me, THAT'S when all my insecurities resurface to validate all the lies running through my head. and that's EXACTLY when i need to hear that every step of the way Jesus is singing over me, glorying over the fact that i'm loving the life He has given me- without giving power to the lies my heart will so easily believe if i let it.

in all sincerity i feel like it is a daily battle to really stay true to myself and to keep the spirit God has given me, alive.

i know full well that i have way too many hobbies and interests-

maybe i'm just uber-talented, haha.

seriously though, i really wish i took more time to paint, to draw, to play the piano, to read, to write, to sew, to make jewelry, to ride horses... the list goes on.

you know the drill...it's always 

"later", 

"after the laundry", 

"this weekend", 

"over the holidays", 

"once the dog is potty-trained", 

"once work is under control", 

"once the baby is a year old", 

etc., etc., etc.

well, i actually have been reading a little more than normal recently 

and today i was really challenged once again by Shauna Niequist:

"We're desperate  for great storytellers, great painters, great dancers, great cooks, because art does something nothing else does. Art slips past our bains straight into our bellies. It weaves itself into our thoughts and feelings and the open spaces in our souls, and it allows us to live more and say more and feel more. Great art says the things we wished someone would say out loud, the things we wish we could say out loud...

I know that life is busy and hard, and that there's crushing pressure to just settle down and get a real job and khaki pants and a haircut. But don't. Please don't. Please keep believing that life can be better, brighter, broader, because of the art that you make. Please  keep demonstrating the courage that it takes to swim upstream in a world that prefers putting away for retirement to putting pen to paper, that chooses practicality over poetry, that values you more for going to the gym than going to the deepest places in your soul. Please keep making art for people like me, people who need the magic and imagination and honesty of great art to make the day-to-day world a little more bearable.

And if, for whatever reason, you've stopped- stopped believing in your voice, stopped fighting to find the time-start today...Do something creative every day, even if you work in a cubicle, even if you have a newborn, even if someone told you a long time ago that you're not an artist, or you can't sing or you have nothing to say. Those people are bad people, and liars, and we hope they develop adult-onset acne really bad. Everyone has something to say. Everyone. Because everyone, every person was made by God, in the image of God. If he is a creator, and in fact he is, then we are creators, and no one...can take that away from you."

really, i'm just plain tired of coming home from work each night feeling like i haven't done anything of importance for the day. not even that, but rather that i haven't gloried in the gift it is. i want to be the best me every day that i can be and i know that part of that is returning to the things i love- that are wholly a part of who i am. 

not facebook

or catching up on my favorite shows

or having one more serving of the ice cream in the freezer that shouldn't even be there

or checking my email

i love catching the 

little moments

little inspirations

little revelations

little sparkles of hope and joy in the eyes of a three year old.

i hate to say that too often i miss it because i forget what i'm looking for-

i forget the stuff i'm made of and what it takes to keep me myself.

that said, i'm off to create some gifts for my niece... 

"Sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness." ~Galway Kinnell

"I owe my body an apology. Technically, I owe my body thousands of apologies, for the thousands of times I've accused it, pushed it, pulled it, starved it, stuffed it, made fun of it, lied about it, hid it, hated it... I'm sorry for taking you for granted, for wishing you were different, and for abusing you because you looked different than i wanted you to. I'm sorry. And thank you. Thank you for, despite my persecution, being strong and able in the most important way."

our bodies truly are amazing.

i've not really taken the time to stop and notice it until the past 

couple of years but when i look at what i am able to do, yes, i AM so lucky!

i guess what i'm saying is this-

for so long my sense of who i was, what i was worth, what i was able to accomplish 

was completely and totally defined by my relationship to my body.

part of what i have been learning over the past 6 months is to not have a "relationship" with my body but rather to be one with it.

while reading the best selling book titled "Women, Food and God", i became

aware how much of my issue has been self-hate which was quite a surprise because I thought i was just a perfectionist, haha.

here's some excerpts that i've been meditating on the past few hours:

"We treat ourselves and the rest of the world as if deprivation, punishment and shame lead to change... The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value and possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. Not fight it. Not force it. Not deprive it. Not shame it. Not do anything but accept [and understand it]. Because if you force and deprive and shame yourself into being thin you end up a deprived, shamed, fearful person who will also be thin for ten minutes."

so you see, deprivation is simply a means of survival in the end 

(in that there is hope for change) and i don't want to just survive. 

so i am abolishing deprivation in my life and rather changing 

those things that i really WANT to- not the things the 

world tells me i OUGHT to. and not on any sort of time schedule.

i'll admit, life is not always filled with loveliness. sometimes it's rather bleak and dark. 

but here's the catch:

"There are things that happen to us, and when they happen, they give us two options. Either way, we will never be the same, and we shouldn't. These things can either strip us down to the bone and allow us to become strong and honest, or they can be the reasons we use to behave poorly indefinitely, the justification for all manner of broken relationships and broken ideals. 

It could be the thing that allows everything else to turn, that allows the lock of our lives to finally spring open and our pent-up selves to blossom like preening flowers. Or it can be the reason we use to justify our anger and the sharp tones in our voices for the rest of our lives."

so i suppose in the past, insecurity in my job, my marriage, 

my abilities, my leadership roles, anything really 

could on any given day lead me to a refuge in food. 

but no more.

God is really teaching me to see the blessings in the curses.

to take each opportunity and hardship and struggle to grow as 

a person and to continue becoming a truer version of myself.

"There are things that explode into our lives and we call them curses, and then one day, a year later or ten years later, we realize that they are actually something else. They are the very most precious kinds of blessings."

which is exactly why finding my peace and my solace in HIM and believing in His faithfulness to bring beauty from ashes is all i really need in this life. i'm finding a truer contentment in my relationship with Him and in what He is showing and teaching me through all the muck and the slime. life really has nothing to do with my job, my marriage, my abilities, my leadership roles, or anything that i can touch- it has everything to do with what i make of all those circumstances. how i face the insecurities. how i dance to the lack of rhythm and still somehow end up on my toes as opposed to my back.

living life in this way makes it seem so much less of a 

"day to day, crossing my fingers til the weekend" sort of existence.

"When you can invest yourself deeply and unremittingly in the life that surrounds you instead of declaring yourself out of the game once and for all, because what's happened to you is too bad, too deep, too ugly for anyone to expect you to move on from, that's that good, rich place. That's the place where the things that looked for all intents and purposes like curses start to stand up and shimmer and dance, and you realize with a gasp that they may have been blessings all along. Or maybe not. Maybe they were curses, in fact, but the force of your belief and your hope and your desperate love for life as it is actually unfolding, has brought a blessing from a curse, like water from a stone, like life from a tomb, like the actual story of God over and over."

yet,

"Nothing good comes easily. You have to lose things you thought you loved, give up things you thought you needed. You have to get over yourself, beyond your past, out from under the weight of your future. The good stuff never comes when things are easy. It comes when things are all heavily weighted down like moving trucks. It comes just when you think it never will..."

and

so that

is how i live 

life 

in a way that i welcome

whatever life throws at me.

AND AM HAPPY.

(QUOTES FROM "COLD TANGERINES" BY SHAUNA NIEQUIST)

A simple life turned extraordinary...

really i guess all i ever wanted to do was be someone. i mean, who doesn't??
the question is, what exactly does it mean to be someone?

i can hardly say it is to be a soccer champion like i used to think.

or to use one of my talents in a way to 'make it big'.

to be a Star period, really.

i think more than all the fame or success i could ever accomplish THIS is who i want to be

         EXACTLY WHO I AM.

i was thinking today how extraordinary my life has truly become~

the friend who never leaves.

the words i release without expectation that somehow always never return void.

the countless 'kids' i have the blessing of having without ever having given birth.

the countless number of friends, in all corners of the country, that somehow never dissipates. 

i guess it's that ability to have a hand on the lives of so many people.

to have a life so intricately interlaced with so many others' lives without really being there.

to be the person that steps into a life and whose footprints never leave.

i guess i am someone.

someone, at least, that people do not often forget.

maybe that's a bad thing, i don't know, ha.

i feel really blessed.

i don't have any idea at all how my life has ended up here.

when i really think about it, though, i DO have exactly what i want.

i feel like i'm accomplishing EXACTLY what the Lord created me for-

maybe in a very small way but nonetheless it's impacting and THAT'S what matters.

to be His "hands and feet".

those closest to me know how my life could've ended up if the Lord hadn't gotten a hold of my heart those many years ago. deep down i am self-seeking and envious of being in a position where i am 'known' and 'respected'. but, at some point, He truly showed me what it is to "Delight yourself in the Lord" so that the "Desires of [my] Heart" could be realized. 

...and i suppose it was that initial step of faith, believing He COULD fulfill me and BE everything i need, that has allowed my dreams of 'Being Someone' to be realized. 

not in the way i initially desired, of course, but in a REAL, meaningful way. the ONLY way that matters.

LIVES.

what is a life? 

a gift? a free-for-all? meaningless?

i believe life is a gift. 

but it's that kind of gift that takes you awhile to really figure out a. how to put it together, b. what it's purpose is, and c. whether or not it's useful to you as its original intention.

life can be confusing. downright disheartening and frustrating and hopeless. but i KNOW for a fact that the Bible is all-sufficient for any and every obstacle faced in this journey. the greatest desire of my life is to shine a light on the truth of God's word amidst the rocky terrain and storms that my friends find themselves in. 

these days truth is so obsolete. 

why??? because a one-book answer is too simple?

"For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin." ~Heb. 4:15

although i am in no way a fanatic in my beliefs i am also no liberal. 

"The Lord's bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged,

with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will." ~2 Tim. 2:24-26

it is not my job to judge or oppose but to speak the truth and let the Holy Spirit do the work. we are in a spiritual battle, after all.

"For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do." ~Heb 4:12-13

so that's my passion.

living a life according to its original intent, with ambitions for eternal purpose yet also allowing my friends to be involved in MY ups and downs and struggles and questions along this journey as well.

i have lived A LOT. 

done things i never REALLY ever dreamed of doing.

but i haven't even realized it til now because :

1. i was too busy doing 

2. i was too busy becoming

when in reality i am coming to the realization that there is nothing more to become.

i AM who i am supposed to be and AM doing what i always really dreamed of.

~NOW THAT'S EXTRAORDINARY~