Who I Am

have you ever heard the Bible verse about not owing anyone anything? i'd heard it all my life and then last year as i ran across it again i read the second part of the verse which was comPLETEly mesmerizing to me:

"Render to all what is due them: tax to whom tax is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor. Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law."
(Romans 13:7-8)

the reason this verse hit me so is because it made me realize how much i cannot love others until i love myself:

"...'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.'"  
(Matt. 22:39)

...up until this point i had never thought of it as OWING myself love.

as in, non-negotiable.



About 3 weeks ago i started thinking about why i 'love' running half marathons... the answer? It scared me. Well, I guess that answer was really another question but it seemed valid enough to be an answer-

"do i run half marathons b/c it makes me feel important? like i AM somebody?

could this be the new thing i have sought to gain worth from?"

i haven't been able to say 'no' yet and so i do not train.

why?

because to me,

MOTIVE

is

EVERYTHING

while i KNOW we as human beings are created to find fulfillment in accomplishments and a job well done, i also KNOW that i should NOT be looking for my worth in ANYTHING save the Lord. so until i can say 'no, i am not seeking my worth in this accomplishment' i will not be signing up for any more half marathons. that is really hard to say, actually. but i KNOW that getting my identity caught up in all this is exactly what took me to a point of inability to run all those years ago due to knee injuries.

DISCLAIMOR: this does NOT mean by any stretch of the imagination that i will stop all forms of activity. it DOES mean that i am going to choose to enjoy the various parts of my life and not place restrictions, rules, guidelines on myself... which inevitably blind me to all the things i love b/c i'm too busy trying to be enough for myself.


SOOOO.....

i am LOVING life!

ways my life has changed...

1. ever since being in Mexico a couple weeks ago i cannot forget how much i LOVE being outside! every day i look for ways to INSERT outdoor activities into every minute and hour that i can, thus, maintaining an active lifestyle even if it's not necessarily 'exercising'.

2. i'm focusing on eating as 'Clean' as possible. whole grains, vegetables, nuts/protein, etc. and water, water, and well, tea :) ...i'm finding that by not taking so much of my time to workout i have a lot more time to plan and brainstorm how to put more and more fresh produce into my diet.

3. i'm actually finishing projects i start, getting areas cleaned and organized that have been on my to-do list for a month, and am dreaming up new creative possibilities. ALL THIS= productivity!= feeling like i am taking care of myself by doing the things i want to. 

4. this is the big one, I'M LIVING IN THE MOMENT. by not always having this harsh inner voice condemning my inability to reach goals and squeeze everything in i think i ought to, the cloud of expectation is lifted and i have clean, fresh air around me to breathe!= freedom = experiencing life in every way :) 

honestly, the timing of it all has been kind of crazily providential.

God totally started challenging me with these things about a week before i left for Mexico and then my time and activities while there just really solidified it all. it IS possible to be healthy and spend time doing what i love. maybe for so long i haven't been willing to give myself the choice so i just always assumed what i loved without even stopping to think about it.

i KNOW i will be exercising again soon but only b/c i WANT to. because i do KNOW that sometimes it IS what i love. but at other times it is NOT what i want to do and that's OK. it's the pressure on myself that i do NOT love. because it ISN'T love. i should never have to accomplish something to be worthy in my own mind. i AM a woman of worth simply b/c i am a child of God and Christ gave His life for me so that i can live and breathe and find joy abundantly. how dare i do anything other than that? it is enough that...

I ALREADY AM EVERYTHING I SHOULD BE

i WILL NOT make excuses for my true self any more!

this song is SO powerful...