the quest for paradise

i'm sitting on a plane headed to the promised land… well, ok, just the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. 

It's just that i've at this moment realized how i'm seeking a return to simplicity. 

there's a comic strip on my fridge about 2 young adult ladies spending the afternoon 'together' on their computers and reminiscing about childhood and how life has gotten 'better' with gadgets. the next frame shows them blowing bubbles outside together obviously enjoying themselves a WHOLE lot more. it's true, isn't it?

i'm listening to 'Glitter in the Air' by Pink and thought that throwing a fistful of glitter into the air sounds really inviting right now. 

the abandon of spontaneity.

And Lake Superior? it's the epitome of vacation - leisure. It's where I've always felt most alive. Abandoned to spontaneity, to my true self, to what my self desires and loves. It's SO time to go back. 

I've obviously been absent from the blog for the past few weeks - guess I have been enjoying life too much. In reality, I have been. I do feel alive, thankful, content, happy with where my life is right now. just one problem…

I've had a yeast infection for 3 months that will NOT go away. I'd like to think it has nothing to do with it, but could it be in part due to my surrender of struggling with food? i don't judge myself anymore for what i eat… is this the answer, though?

I must admit, this part of my life has been about the MOST frustrating thing i've ever had to deal with. I feel like I have tried everything and still it won't go away. It's wreaking havoc and there's absolutely nothing more i can do about it but continue to try new things. yeah, FRUSTRATING. 

i feel like i've been doing really well with my goal of being present in each moment of the day and intentionally staying in those moments and not trying to 'leave' with food. but i don't know. i think once i kick this infection i will have to reevaluate. i certainly do best when i don't have 'rules' and rather choose what is BEST but maybe that will have to change for my health. It sucks. 

Anyways, I am looking forward to 5 days of sitting on the beach with my UGGS-sketchbook and pencil in hand watching the sun set over the most magical lake i know… I'll let you know what faraway places it takes me to ;)

draw your Sword~

... As the deer pants for the water brooks, So my soul pants for You, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God; When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me. For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God, With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him For the help of His presence.
O my God, my soul is in despair within me; Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.
The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; And His song will be with me in the night, A prayer to the God of my life.
I will say to God my rock, "Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?"
As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.
(Psalm 42)

i feel like Job tonight.

ignorant? facetious? 

YES.

but it doesn't really matter b/c God cares anyways.

it all became so clear to me tonight...

as i said in my previous post, last weekend was horrific.

i literally felt like i was being attacked and tormented by the powers of this world.

i felt the same way tonight though on a lesser scale.

now i see that the past 2 months have been a well thought out battle on the enemy's part.

a slow, slippery slide. that came down last weekend and i am only now understanding how to put the pieces back together.

~this was an extremely covert operation but i'm onto it now~

basically, i've had an infection for 2 months.

which then progressed to a double infection as i found out 2 weeks ago. plus complications.

normal part of life, no?

ok, but aimed directly at the root of my marriage... for this length of time?

questionable.

perhaps if i break it down it'll be a little more clear...

1. this infection has prohibited me the ability to be a wife to my husband, physically

2. the lack of contact has affected our non-verbal communication

3. the lack of non-verbal communication has affected our verbal communication

4. all the above has affected my sense of worth in this marriage... which in turn has affected my self-esteem... which in turn has affected my mood... which in turn has affected my ability to keep my emotions under control... which in turn has numbed me to the folly of turning to food for comfort... which in turn ended up numbing my life for a few days... which in turn ended me right back where i started... which in turn caused me to question my testimony for the victories God has brought about in my life... which in turn has caused me to question my validity as a leader and example to the teens in our church. IT HAS AFFECTED EVERY AREA OF MY LIFE.

i'm SO tired of fighting it all.

yet, while i certainly have prayed about all this, now my eyes SEE.

now i have fallen ON MY FACE before the Lord.

really, He's giving me what i have asked and yearned for...

sometimes i can be so blind.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

i did not seek the Lord's purposes at the start- thought i could figure it out.

but i LOVE these words of Job...

"I know that You can do all things, And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.

'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' "Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."

'Hear, now, and I will speak; I will ask You, and You instruct me.'

"I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear; But now my eye sees You;Therefore I retract, And I repent in dust and ashes."

(Job 42:2-6)

it's so ignorant to think that everything in life is of no explanation or no spiritual consequence.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places."

and the surrounding verses:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.

Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil...

Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.

(Ephesians 6:10-13)

GOD IS DOING SOME GREAT AND MIGHTY THINGS IN THIS CITY,

IN THIS CHURCH, IN MY LIFE, AND IN MY MARRIAGE.

I AM NOT SO IGNORANT AS TO THINK THE ENEMY WILL JUST PASS US BY!

he has certainly hit me where it hurts - in every way

YET...

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come,

nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

(Romans 8:31-32, 35-39)