My husband started this tradition (that he hasn't necessarily carried on) that we had to pick a "theme song" each year and it HAD to be the first song we heard just after midnight into the new year. Well, the song I chose for this past year was "Angel" by Jack Johnson which is rather ironic b/c these particular lyrics became quite poignant AND true- more than I had intended. Particularly the part that says, "You gotta be careful when you got good love 'cause an angel's will just keep on multiplying".
...We are now expecting our first child in less than a week, ha.
I didn't quite believe life could get to be any more of a roller coaster but that is EXACTLY what this year has been- in EVERY single way. Maybe it was just the hormones but I have a hunch that was the least of it. In any case, we were laughing the other morning, sitting on our front porch, that the condition of our vehicle described precisely what 2011 has been in our lives and marriage- dented and scraped up, touched up, not necessarily pretty or coveted but still going forward and running faithfully.
Some days that is all I can really know to hope for but honestly
others I mourn that we lose who we are so very often.
This reminds me of the passage in Ecclesiastes that talks about "Seasons"- that there is one for everything. Isn't THAT the truth?
After (well, ok, maybe I'm just in the middle of) this season, I can wholeheartedly say I've never been a better person- which if you've been in a place like this you understand that does NOT mean life has been all glitter and roses. However, I"m reminded all the time that even in nature and creation we see that only through difficulty and hardship comes purity and newness.
And a very blatant theme of the past year for me has been GRACE in the midst of just that.
Time and time again I was faced with whether I would decide to give it away or keep it for myself. In the most harsh of circumstances. The one truth that I could never quite shake is how much grace GOD has given ME- every day of my life. And perhaps my one purpose in this life is to share that same grace- it's up to me to accept that purpose or reject it with every chance I'm given. I'm sure there have been times I have failed to make the right choice, or in the least failed to display it like I ought to, but as very hard as it was those first few times, now it is second nature. This is in and of itself by God's grace because I am very much by nature a stubborn person with a very keen sense of justice- which now that I think about it, remember my parents verbalizing at my high school graduation that they prayed God would use for His glory at some point in my life. I think that prayer has been answered, Mom and Dad. For only NOW has my sense of justice been refracted by God's perspective... and THAT is a powerful thing. Perhaps that has been the ONLY point. I'll never know this side of heaven but what matters is being OK with that.
Anyways, we did a LOT this year. OK, I guess that isn't too out of the ordinary. Maybe just with all the drama along the way it seemed like a lot more than normal. In a nutshell, it's been a year of drastic moves, drastic changes, drastic revelations, drastic decisions, drastic insecurities, and drastic discernment.
Perhaps that's why I'm sitting here at home on New Years Eve, typing on the computer at 10:30p without any plans and only the bed waiting for me- probably before midnight because, why not- and this seems perfectly appropriate.
After all, it is in the quiet moments, when it is just me and you in the very rawness of who we are- singularly and cohesively- that life breathes on exactly as it should. Only then. I can only hope that when you look back on this year that you can see all I really wanted was to be your Angel...
there's no telling what this next year will bring- most likely some excruciating heartache as well as exuberant joys as life is celebrated on both ends- but I am ever more confident in the Lord's providence and sovereignty through all Seasons and look forward to the new area of life He has planned to chip away at through the realities 2012 will bring...
BRING IT ON!
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