i just had an epiphany...

from a Dove candy wrapper.

what did it say?

"sleep under the stars tonight"

(and that's all i needed to hear)

why does such a simple phrase result in said epiphany, you might ask?

because that's EXACTLY what being dirty and getting clean has all been about.

SIMPLICITY

funny, isn't it?

how something so small can make it all so clear.

(if only i would listen to myself... seems i remember writing something on this very subject about a month and a half ago while in Savannah.)

but, yes.

it IS the simple things in life that really make it all worthwhile. how do i ever forget so easily???

maybe this is a hint at the fact that i'm still not ok with who i am. that i feel like i still need to accomplish something great. that i'm not comfortable sitting back and relaxing b/c then i'd be STUCK with myself in all that i am.

is this just a futile dream or can it really be a reality to be so content and at peace with life as it is? without the need for goals or accomplishments? i believe that we were made as beings that need purpose- maybe the problem is that i'm not satisfied with the purpose God has created me for?

oh boy. i feel like i'm talking in circles again.

i've definitely always placed high expectations on myself.

maybe that's what needs to go.

maybe i don't want to let go of it b/c i'm afraid of trusting myself without having to "live up" to something.

maybe that's all it is.

learning to trust myself.

to trust the person God created me to be.
anyways, really the only 'goal' i had for this year was to be better grounded in my marriage and, well, that kind of seems to right in hand with this... meant to be?
i say yes.

maybe amidst all the ways i HAVE changed and found so much victory over struggling with distorted body image, maybe i'm still not living in acceptance of me- ALL i am.

food for thought...

Clean

Ok, so now to get clean.

for me, in this kind of situation, consists of placing no expectations on myself. often when i have lost the consciousness of feeling  then it is necessary for me to simplify my life as absolutely as possible in order for me to regain that coherency.

i've been thinking about yoga a lot the past couple days.

i always feel SO good when i do it- in ALL aspects.

mentally, emotionally, physically...

i guess i don't do it as much as i'd like b/c it's a little expensive to do classes and the whole social aspect of it i really like. probably b/c i'm in the sphere of children 40hrs/wk and having adult interaction is just so healing.

i've really been trying to listen to my heart about running and racing too.

is it something i REALLY want to do? or is it just something that makes me feel important to myself?

what are my motives?

i'm having an idea about boycotting "working out" for a month (taking away the 'duty' to it) and instead taking the time to build into myself and my marriage and the areas of my life there that i really want to nurture.

there's a couple sides to this:

1. i can see myself being much more at peace with myself

2. it scares me

3. i do NOT like feeling weak and

4. exercising is really good for my mood so

will need to do some physical activity

(which is why i'm thinking simply taking the 'duty' out of it will be enough?)

i've had this idea b/c i'm wondering if placing so many expectations and goals in my life overwhelms me to the point of rejecting my feelings of need and therefore leads me to emotional eating for fear of admitting to myself that those BIG parts of me maybe aren't really what i want.

who knows.

it would be an experiment.


(it's funny so many posts are resulting from a magazine i was reading last week that i haven't even gotten around to mentioning yet... ha.)

Dirty

What is it exactly that makes one feel dirty?
i am most certainly the antithesis of what it is to the majority of everyone else.

for me, feeling dirty has absolutely nothing having to do with dirt.

i actually rather like being dirty, sweaty, spent.

it makes me feel like i've accomplished something, i guess.

no, rather, given my struggle with emotional eating, it is very easy for me to feel dirty if i do not feed my body with wholesome foods and take care of myself.

which happened way too much over the weekend.

ok, so i've been breaking one of my rules.

the one about allowing myself to feel whatever emotion comes my way.

i realized it last week but i guess just admitting it doesn't necessarily equal dealing with it.

SOOOOOoooo

this weekend i pretty much ate to my hearts content. which was fun in a way- and my husband certainly enjoyed watching me eat (i don't know i'll really ever understand why guys are like that)- but NOW i feel DIRTY and yucky and can't even eat dinner. all b/c i chose not to take the time to feel.

i came home tonight thinking i'd go for a run and then realized that doing so would only be an attempt at reconciling for my "sins". no, it was much more important that i rest in the quiet and start feeling.

so i snuggled with my puppy for a good 5 minutes. just sat and brushed my fingers through her fur.
enjoyed her. rested in the stillness and in the quiet.

then i took a shower. i took care of myself.

THEN i took time to put lotion on- whoa- THAT never happens.

then i took off all my jewelry and put on something simple and comfortable.

then i made a cup of tea- the good kind.
i looked in the mirror and saw myself and was content.

why?

because taking care of myself= respecting myself= an accomplishment to be proud of

in the past i have accused others of not really seeing me for who i am but it just hit me that more often than i'd ever want, i don't see myself either. whenever i take the time to stop and think about feeling clean, i get a vision of health, contentment, and fulfillment. like a goal fulfilled. knowing exactly what i want and how to get it. i would like for that vision to stay in the forefront of my mind. that i wouldn't try to escape any feeling or fear and therefore lose sight of who i even am.

but actually learning to stop and take that time to recognize my needs, my characteristics, my intrinsic qualitites on a regular basis is what i have not yet learned.
taking the time to really look in the mirror.

i NEED another image board. 

i need focus. 

i get so confused sometimes. sure, i like working out, i like running, i like playing soccer, i like feeling strong and being in shape. but at what cost?? i feel so much more fulfilled being a wife who actually cooks for her husband, prepares his lunches, and is actively accomplishing things in the home- who JOYS in the home. i am not there. 

in a way i don't know what i want. i LOVE racing, i really do. i LOVE playing soccer- that's a given. but neither of these things can be done without putting time into conditioning my body and i just don't have a lot of time to do it all. 

right now i feel like it's one or the other and am not sure i can do without either...

<sigh>



i feel overwhelmed and maybe a little lost about what my life is supposed to be.
so i said it.

and you know what? those feelings are not going to kill me.

maybe this is all about allowing myself time to figure it out. not feeling like i have to have it all together, to ALWAYS have a plan and know exactly what i am to do.

all i really want is to feel whole.

(hint: this is probably where prayer for wisdom and direction come in. hmmmmm.)

~

A Valentine's Day Reality

"...let's get real, authentic love can't be packaged and sold. We want to see hot actors make out with No Strings Attached. No one wants to watch Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman in An Argument About Running Errands.

The stuff that comes after, the real thing, the day-in-day-out decision to be there and commit to the dance, well, that's too complicated to sell. Real love is when your lonely life gets all tangled up with somebody else's, when I blurs into we and two souls attempt to write a love story with no specific plot line.

It is a reality show without all the editing. Raw. Emotionally charged at times. But to the outside world, a little boring.

I knew I loved my husband when I begrudgingly cleaned the moldy goo out of his toothbrush cup. I knew he loved me too- When he stood by me without trying to rescue me.

Yes, real love is getting a dog. It is a dozen forgotten kisses goodbye and hello. The eye rolling. The hand holding. The love taps. Car trips and comfortable silences. Sharing a box of fried chicken on the couch. The moments when you are apart and it feels like something is missing. The moments when you try to find the you in the we.

Real love is in the details. The hitting of an alarm clock. The washing of a dish. Those rare conversations when the other person says all the right things. And the days when you wish he would just shut up. It's trying to figure out what to eat for dinner. Spending too much money and feeling guilty. Wishing you'd done this or that. Knowing there's so much to say but feeling too tired to actually say it. It's saying it and falling deeper.

It's recognizing that you are not perfect. Love is not perfect. And the person who gave you his heart is going to crack yours every now and then.

But there's something about my husband's smile. There's something about the way he handles a situation, and how he just stands there across the room, looking that way he did the day when we first met.

I know I was right to let him stumble off the pedestal I built for him and try for something real.

We have passion. We have laughter. We don't really need Valentine's Day.

So what if Cupid makes a buck off selling a fairy tale and if the movie studios play off our daydreams? 

There's nothing wrong with romanticism, as long as you realize real love stories don't end at the beginning. Real love stories keep going on."

(excerpt from St. Petersburg Times, written by Sarah Whitman)

and it's SO true.

love is found in the little things. the imperfections of life. 

love is NOT perfect and that is what makes it beautiful.

i can appreciate this as an artist. realizing that sometimes the greatest masterpieces are made out of a single mistake morphed into the one defining, unique attribute of a great piece.

my husband and i really laugh at Valentine's Day. we really always have because honestly, waking up by each other's side every day is what makes this life special. (not that it's always easy to climb into the same bed at the end of each day! ha.) not just a single day out of the year when sentiments are exchanged.

i have found that marriage is simply a journey to our better selves.

just another avenue God uses to show us how to love like He has always poured out His love to us.

and especially THIS year i love my husband SO much more than i ever have.

not because the past 12 months have been AMAZING but rather 

because they have been DIFFICULT.

"Put me like a seal over your heart, Like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, Jealousy is as severe as Sheol; Its flashes are flashes of fire, The very flame of the LORD. Many waters cannot quench love, Nor will rivers overflow it; If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love, It would be utterly despised."

(Song of Solomon 8:6-7)

and, yes, those difficulties are what makes one comprehend the depth of God's love and they are what makes one truly understand how that same kind of love ought to be present in personal life.

and when a love so great is offered time and again and again it really does put life in perspective and makes evident that love truly is the only thing that matters in this life. TRUE LOVE. the kind that doesn't give up, that offers forgiveness when it isn't even desired, the kind that does not 

judge.

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.

(I Corinthians 13:1-8)

Love Is EVERYTHING.

 love for God, love for others, love for self.

Master, which [is] the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second [is] like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

 (Matthew 22:36-39)

and this GREAT love is offered to each and every person EVERY day

in ALL perfection

for those who wish to accept it...

Head vs. Emotion

today was REALLY REALLY LOOOOOONG.

i had posted with my fitness accountability group that i was going to workout with my kettlebells tonight but that was 3 whole days ago and there was NO way it was going to happen after an 11hr day today and 14hr day yesterday, until...

i admitted to myself what i KNEW i needed and made the choice with my head to

go for a walk with the dog.

when it was the LAST thing i felt like doing.

no joking, i could hardly make myself stand up but KNEW that i needed just a short walk around the block to decompress from being inside most of the day.

then guess what happened...

i felt so invigorated i decided to get my workout in!

                              

                              but...

                            WHY???

1. I valued myself enough to be ok with replacing a real workout with a short simple walk

2. I accepted that I would take a shower with no sweat to wash away and didn't feel guilty! (i have this thing with not taking a shower unless i workout- which makes me workout so i can "earn" a shower. horrible, i know but habits of 10years don't vanish in 1year. still working on that one...)

3. I realized if I could make the decision with my head- instead of emotions- to give myself what my heart clearly told me i needed- a walk- then surely I could make the same decision regarding my workout. 

   in other words, positive decisions- NO MATTER HOW SMALL- are powerful motivators and encouragers. 

i'll admit, this sounds like a really little deal but for me working out, getting my blood pumping, is really important for my mental health as exercise boosts my endorphin levels a LOT. so, exercising for me is basically a proactive choice that i make for the coming days.

but then it got me thinking...

how often do i really make my decisions this way?? it's obviously the healthiest way to choose:

"Thus says the LORD, "Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind And makes flesh his strength, And whose heart turns away from the LORD.

For he will be like a bush in the desert And will not see when prosperity comes, But will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, A land of salt without inhabitant.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD.

For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit.

The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?

I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give to each man according to his ways, According to the results of his deeds."

~ Jeremiah 17:5-10

...healthiest when a person has the mind of the LORD, as the verses say, as opposed

to trusting in the deceitful human heart (emotion).

i suppose this path of thought got me thinking deeper b/c of the many things that have been happening in my life over the past couple months.

more specifically, the innumerable amount of times i've had to make decisions with my head and NOT my emotions.

most times against my will, if i were honest. 

we live in such a feel-good society, it really does rather go against the grain to make head decisions. just look at the mess the world is in- is it not all b/c someone "felt" a certain way? and then yet another person reacts b/c of an opposing "feeling"?? did Eve not "feel" like making her own decision just once b/c the fruit was "desirable" (positive emotion) to her??

oh, the futility of choosing on emotion. 

yet it happens ALL the time. and needless pain results. a LOT of it.

one of my biggest pet peeves is how some people place such a high importance on being "happy".

what does that mean, anyway??

and WHERE in the bible does it say that we are owed happiness??????????

 

i have found that the objects from which i gain- not happiness- but joy, are those things i have to work at the hardest. ie: my art projects, the children i care for, my spirituality, staying in shape, running races, cooking wholesome meals, the list goes on...

what do all these things have in common?

frustration, disappointment, failure................ PERSEVERANCE

"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly."

-Romans 5:3-6

as was once said, "even the trees must go through the winter in order to see the day of new growth and promise in the buds and blossoms of spring..."

~i am THANKFUL God gave me the grace, strength, and solidity to choose with my head~

The mystery of turning anger into love

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you...

Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them."

(Matthew 5:44, Luke 6:29, 32)

it's been awhile since i've blogged.

it's really a victory, in a way, because as i said in my last post, my main goal for this year is to be rooted and grounded in my husband and in supporting him. 

so that's exactly what i've been busy doing. 

(ok, so i've also taken on an additional 10 teenage girls to try and keep up with.

i know, as well as anybody who knows me, that i will never run short of things to keep me busy.)

that's not the point.

the point is, amidst my absence from this blog much growth has continued to take place.

much to my chagrin as growth always means "the hard stuff".

BLECH.

sometimes it's REALLY REALLY hard to remain that strong tower amidst the hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis. sometimes all i want is to be vindicated, relieved, freed. what is righteous anger anyways??

THE TRUTH IS, THE RIGHTEOUS RESPONSE IS TO LOVE.

and right now, that is the hard choice that i don't know i can make.

aren't i bridging enough gaps, Lord?

it's not like i'm choosing the easy route in any way.

really?

there's one more thing You must ask of me?

great.

"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

love your enemies.

i can assuredly say i have never quite felt the reality of that command until now...

believe me, everything in me wants to run.

"Tho much is taken, much abides; and tho

We are not now that strength which in old days

Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;

...

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

TO STRIVE, TO SEEK, TO FIND AND NOT TO YIELD"