A simple life turned extraordinary...

really i guess all i ever wanted to do was be someone. i mean, who doesn't??
the question is, what exactly does it mean to be someone?

i can hardly say it is to be a soccer champion like i used to think.

or to use one of my talents in a way to 'make it big'.

to be a Star period, really.

i think more than all the fame or success i could ever accomplish THIS is who i want to be

         EXACTLY WHO I AM.

i was thinking today how extraordinary my life has truly become~

the friend who never leaves.

the words i release without expectation that somehow always never return void.

the countless 'kids' i have the blessing of having without ever having given birth.

the countless number of friends, in all corners of the country, that somehow never dissipates. 

i guess it's that ability to have a hand on the lives of so many people.

to have a life so intricately interlaced with so many others' lives without really being there.

to be the person that steps into a life and whose footprints never leave.

i guess i am someone.

someone, at least, that people do not often forget.

maybe that's a bad thing, i don't know, ha.

i feel really blessed.

i don't have any idea at all how my life has ended up here.

when i really think about it, though, i DO have exactly what i want.

i feel like i'm accomplishing EXACTLY what the Lord created me for-

maybe in a very small way but nonetheless it's impacting and THAT'S what matters.

to be His "hands and feet".

those closest to me know how my life could've ended up if the Lord hadn't gotten a hold of my heart those many years ago. deep down i am self-seeking and envious of being in a position where i am 'known' and 'respected'. but, at some point, He truly showed me what it is to "Delight yourself in the Lord" so that the "Desires of [my] Heart" could be realized. 

...and i suppose it was that initial step of faith, believing He COULD fulfill me and BE everything i need, that has allowed my dreams of 'Being Someone' to be realized. 

not in the way i initially desired, of course, but in a REAL, meaningful way. the ONLY way that matters.

LIVES.

what is a life? 

a gift? a free-for-all? meaningless?

i believe life is a gift. 

but it's that kind of gift that takes you awhile to really figure out a. how to put it together, b. what it's purpose is, and c. whether or not it's useful to you as its original intention.

life can be confusing. downright disheartening and frustrating and hopeless. but i KNOW for a fact that the Bible is all-sufficient for any and every obstacle faced in this journey. the greatest desire of my life is to shine a light on the truth of God's word amidst the rocky terrain and storms that my friends find themselves in. 

these days truth is so obsolete. 

why??? because a one-book answer is too simple?

"For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin." ~Heb. 4:15

although i am in no way a fanatic in my beliefs i am also no liberal. 

"The Lord's bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged,

with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will." ~2 Tim. 2:24-26

it is not my job to judge or oppose but to speak the truth and let the Holy Spirit do the work. we are in a spiritual battle, after all.

"For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do." ~Heb 4:12-13

so that's my passion.

living a life according to its original intent, with ambitions for eternal purpose yet also allowing my friends to be involved in MY ups and downs and struggles and questions along this journey as well.

i have lived A LOT. 

done things i never REALLY ever dreamed of doing.

but i haven't even realized it til now because :

1. i was too busy doing 

2. i was too busy becoming

when in reality i am coming to the realization that there is nothing more to become.

i AM who i am supposed to be and AM doing what i always really dreamed of.

~NOW THAT'S EXTRAORDINARY~

loss and faithfulness

Lake Superior was fabulous. And heart-wrenching all at the same time.

It became clear to me, first, that it will never be a reality to go back on a scheduled basis.

Secondly, i came to the conclusion that my husband and I need to find a realistic place to make 

the same kind of precious memories with the children we will have.

It's beautiful, breathtaking, holy that place.

It nourishes my soul and heals like no other place on earth.

I'd say I even feel more at home there than anywhere else.

...which is interesting considering that community has always been part of feeling "home" for me.

But see, this is a place I have come to meet the Lord in a very real way. 

To pour out my soul to the rushing waves and the sunrises and sunsets and the sand and the rocks. Some of my deepest cries have been birthed there in the silence and solitude and sanctity. 

this trip wasn't any different.

Crazy as it is, one of the traditions that my mom and I particularly have when we go to Lake Superior is to look for rocks. Specifically, Great Lake Agates. They are uncommon and rare to find so it is like a never-ending treasure hunt. It's actually an addiction from the time I arrive until the minute I leave, lol. In every spare moment I can be found down at the lake roaming the shore bent over, endlessly searching. Finding. 

The last night, on my way down to the lake from our campsite I hurried past my parents not wanting to disturb their time together but knowing they'd be watching me enjoy and drink in this place like they had so many times and years before. Probably with a few tears in their eyes of memories and life gone by.

There I was frantically searching in the fading light after sunset desperate to find more agates, and then it occurred to me. I was doing the exact same thing. I didn't REALLY care about finding more rocks- I was picking up the pieces of my childhood. Grasping for what I thought could best bring back the reality of all the happiness I had known in all the years before. 

It was an astounding realization. 

Admitting the pain and loss that I felt was really surprising. And so I wept.

When the tears were gone I felt like I had mourned the death of an era. 

     I don't really want to think about that but all those times spent in that

 place will remain special memories that I will always cherish.

I'm thankful for the faithfulness God has shown me in that place and so grown my faith in the midst of the beauty of His creation.

...I suppose my heart will never cease to long for that place that is such a part of my heart and soul.