Thoughts for Today

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"Vindicate me, O LORD, for I have walked in my integrity, And I have trusted in the LORD without wavering.
Examine me, O LORD, and try me; Test my mind and my heart. For Your lovingkindness is before my eyes, And I have walked in Your truth.
I do not sit with deceitful men, Nor will I go with pretenders. I hate the assembly of evildoers, And I will not sit with the wicked.
I shall wash my hands in innocence, And I will go about Your altar, O LORD, That I may proclaim with the voice of thanksgiving And declare all Your wonders.
O LORD, I love the habitation of Your house And the place where Your glory dwells.
Do not take my soul away along with sinners, Nor my life with men of bloodshed, In whose hands is a wicked scheme, And whose right hand is full of bribes.
But as for me, I shall walk in my integrity; Redeem me, and be gracious to me. My foot stands on a level place; In the congregations I shall bless the LORD.
- Psa 26:1-12 NASB

~

do you ever have one of those days when it feels like life is one endless load of laundry??

sometimes it is SOO hard to get motivated.
which brings me to another point of purging.

there's been an ongoing discussion in our home about how to spend (or not spend) our money. (a bit of a more ongoing discussion now that there is a third person.) especially now that i'm not working i don't feel nearly as free to purchase things "just for fun". BUT buying baby clothes aren't "just for fun", right?? they actually serve a very good purpose, no? well, 1 of the 2 of us has a little bit of a more conservative view on the matter...
(i'll let you do the deciphering)

it's been a few weeks and we still hadn't figured out a good balance
UNTIL
last week it became apparent that one of the main issues is freedom.
in other words, being able to "get up and go"- no being held back or tied down by

"stuff"

ok, i TOTALLY get that! anyone that knows me understands that i LOVE adventure and going...

and THEN i ran into this post while browsing one of my favorite blogs a few days later...

"I was walking back from the coffee shop near my office recently when I just happened to see a stencil of a clover on the street and snapped a photo of it. I guess it was left over from the St. Patrick’s Day celebration, but I took it as one of those little messages the Universe likes to leave in your path when you’re in need of a mental bitch slap. As in, don’t forget how lucky I am to be taking a break from a job many people would kill for with a kind of pretentious iPhone camera in my pocket and an expensive handmade coffee drink in my hand. I generally take all those things for granted in the sense of just not thinking about them deeply enough. It’s as if I’ve become so used to them that I have an unconscious sense of entitlement, and I really really hate that. It not only cuts me off from reality, but it also insulates me from the possibility of astonishment around every corner.  All the things and stuff I accumulate, like that daily complicated coffee order, distract me from bigger issues, deeper needs, the solitariness and yearning waiting at the heart of every life. What can I do without in order to live a richer life?"

"What can I do without in order to live a richer life?"

wow.

well, now, that is a SPECTACULAR question!

(and i believe there's something about this in the Bible too)
ever heard of the Rich Young Ruler?

Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." But when the young man heard this statement, he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property. And Jesus said to His disciples, "Truly I say to you, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. "Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." ... "But many who are first will be last; and the last, first. - Mat 19:21-24, 30 NASB

you know, i find it rather astonishing sometimes how the truths of the Bible are inside of us in our very souls and yet sooo many people don't see that we ALL are created for God's glory- whether we decide to believe it or not!
there's no escaping his handiwork and master plan

(i don't believe in "messages from the Universe, btw, i think it's something called sovereignty)

anyways, back to purging.

But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness.
 - 1Ti 6:6-11 NASB

you see, it's like we treat these kinds of discoveries like an epiphany when it's
WHAT WE WERE MADE FOR

the way it's SUPPOSED to be.
and we wonder why people who seem to have it all, the world at their fingertips, are just never quite "happy" enough and every once in a while someone (like my fellow blogger) says, "wait a minute, LOOK at all these blessings! look at all the little things i have that i don't even NEED."

THESE are the very things that CLOUD my eyes from what's really important. the special little moments of each day that canNOT be noticed unless i get rid of STUFF. distractions. things that i think make me happy but in reality keep me from finding contentment all around me.


(so i guess now you know whom is the more materialistic out of the 2 of us)

so what does all this have to do with LAUNDRY you might ask?
well, while that may never actually go away i think it is the perfect reminder of how the more stuff we have the less free TIME we have. time to notice the flowers poking out of the bushes, the butterfly coasting through the air, the sun shining through the window, the feeling of a little head contentedly resting on my shoulder. AND the power of our valuing capability decreases as it is spread over a ginormous amount of objects instead of just a handful that actually MEAN SOMETHING.


i'm certainly still learning

but it's a start...

Finding moments of celebration~

i am running and working out again. for a few different reasons. in a new, different way.
1. my soccer performance sucks! lol.
2. i need the mood booster- after 4 weeks or so i had TERRIBLE mood swings :)~
3. i DO enjoy it. in moderation, when i want it
4. cellulite, cellulite go away! ha. can't handle it

here's how i'm exercising differently:
1. short distances/times but making the most of it ie: sprints, intervals
2. i'm finding myself wanting to go for a run more to get outside than to actually accomplish something
(SUCCESS!- i am learning that i do NOT have to prove anything to myself!)
3. planning ahead, planning ahead, planning ahead. i feel good about working out 2 of the 4 days that i work with possible volleyball games on a 3rd day. this has helped me manage my time during the week much better to get in some activity but not be stressed about it.
4. i've stopped trying to one-up anyone- including myself!! it's just a ridiculous way to live.

ALL of this not in vain. over the past 4 weeks or so i have also made some life changes that are helping me a LOT to get through my hurried 4 days of work along with volunteer stuff and loooong commutes:

1. i have compiled a cookbook of fav recipes in a way that will help me be more efficient with grocery shopping/meal prep on weekends so that i don't have to devote so much brain juice and time to dinners during the week.

2. i have also started laying out my outfits for work each week so that when i wake up in the morning i have choices but not a whole closetful of them! WAY too daunting when i'm not even awake. AMAZING how this has helped!
(came upon the idea when thinking back to my trip to Mexico and how i was so happy with just a limited part of my wardrobe at a time- it was all thought out yet with room for creative options)

3. i've quit devoting time to things i do NOT enjoy! what a concept, i know. but think about it- how much time do you waste on the computer, on your phone, watching TV, driving, walking through the mall, the grocery store? NO MORE! i have gotten in the habit of asking myself, "do i REALLY want to be doing this??" and most of the time can find something much greater i'd rather devote my time to. i am paying more attention to what tasks/activities really fulfill me and which ones are simply an escape/time-filler

4. no more procrastinating! imagine that. i bought myself a mini planner so that i can keep track of the things i'd like to get done each day- both necessary and purely selfish. it gives me a starting point and reminds me of the things i really WANT to do- and this way i don't end up bogged down on Thursday night so that i coast my way through Friday. GOOD STUFF :)

obviously i do not always make these conscious choices like i should but it is already really changing my life. no joke. oh yeah,

5. i'm getting up early in the morning to spend some time reading the Bible and allowing myself to be challenged spiritually each day. and i'm ENJOYING it! sad that i'd think i wouldn't, i know, but i'm just not a morning person... maybe one day. i know this change in my life has really made a big difference and i'm thankful

so really, this "fast" from exercise- the thing that has been my escape- has not been about the running but it's also not not been about the running.

it's simply that getting it out of the way i've been able to SEE so much more clearly the way i live my life because it's not been clouded by this trophy of myself of who i thought i was.

not forcing myself into self discipline but rather forcing myself into self-appreciation.

"If I gave you a sweater, and you loved it, I would know because you would wear it so much you'd be on the verge of wearing it out, because you loved it that much... It would start to smell like you, and it would get snags and get all stretched out, and just looking at it would make you tell a thousand stories of where it's been and who you've been in it.
That's what I want my life to be, like a well-loved gift. I think life, just life, just breathing in and out, is a great gift. God gives us something amazing when he gives us life, and I want to live with gratitude... If life were a sweater, I would wear it every day. I wouldn't save it or keep it for a special occasion. I would find every opportunity to wear that sweater..."

Life IS good. God created GOOD.

"I have to remind myself that it is good. I have to create hope in my life, because there's something inside me that has radar for the bad parts of life... I have a dark, worst-case scenario sensor, and it takes over. It's all true. There are crumbs on the counter. I am definitely getting wrinkles. I just don't want to live in only that reality... Because there's another reality. A better one. Hope and redemption and change are real, and they're happening all around me. So I choose to act out of THAT reality... I can't live there in the disappointment anymore. I've missed whole seasons of my life... I didn't love the gift of life because I was too busy being angry about the life I was given. I wanted it to be different. But being angry didn't change those things. It just wasted time.

It's rebellious, in a way, to choose joy, to choose to dance, to choose to love your life. It's much easier and much more common to be miserable... I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes... I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift, who will use it up and wring it out and drag it around like a favorite sweater.



Let's sizzle and pop in His name. Let's dance and shimmer and scrawl out our stories across the sky, like he taught us to. Let's echo His words, and let our lives speak those words: It is good."

that's what this is all about- embodying the very life God has given JUST TO ME!
and not being afraid to love it. in all its imperfection.

Electing Loss

i think i'm crazy... however, i've been caught in limbo and do not even have a way to tell up from down, right from wrong... crazy from normal. at least i don't think i have a way...

but this just says it all too well...
"...i tried and tried and tried to make something work that had stopped working a long time before i tried to salvage it. and i left, in the end, beccause i had no other choice... i feel like something unraveled around me. i feel more vulnerable and powerless than i have in a decade. i don't recognize myself in the mirror...

the point, i can see now, is not the running. the point is that the running was like a safety pin that was holding me together, and when the pin released, the whole system of my life and my self have fallen apart. i know that this is just something i have done in the past, that it's not a badge of who i am, that it's not as important as my character or my family or my soul. i know.

i know those things, but something has happened to me since i've quit running. something bad. i've lost it, whatever it is. i've lost that sense that i was okay, and that i will be okay again. i've lost all belief in my future. i'm sad and scared and ashamed. without knowing it, without intending to, i've shoved way too much of myself into my running, more than it could possibly bear, and i set myself up to fall a terrible distance if something were ever to happen to that part of my llife... i put all my eggs in that one basket, until it became impossibly heavy, and it broke.

...when i gave up running i gave up my identity, my confidence, my legitimacy. and it's not anyone's fault but my own. it's my fault for trying to find a shortcut, knowing full well that true spiritual depth and actual confidence have no substitutes."

(paraphrased from "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Niequist)

who else purges something from their life that they love, that isn't unhealthy in and of itself, just for the fun of it? well, moreso because i KNOW the motive behind it is wrong. i ask myself if this is even necessary? but when i think of going back to it i feel like i am returning to an old addiction...

well, the previous paragraphs are from last week. yesterday i went for a run.

i discovered over the weekend a really scary truth through a simple statement to my husband and a sudden realization of the answer- i NEED God.

of course i know this yet at the same time have not determined to make good on that realization. it's been my intention for the past couple weeks to get up at 6am every morning simply because i can. to work out a couple of those days, to give myself some time to enjoy the morning, and most certainly to give myself the time to spend with the Lord that i so desperately NEED. i think that giving up running for a few weeks made this realization for change blatantly necessary. and now i see the WHOLE need for change- to be legitimately me in the Lord. without HIM i am NOT legitimate.

so, yes, this week i have been waking at 6am and giving myself those things that i need. and my days are progressing so much better. success!

(we'll see if i can keep it up...)