the consequences of life change

i know, i know. it's been an ETERNITY.

it's been somewhat of an intentional hiatus as i found myself pregnant about 5 months ago and at that point wasn't at liberty to reveal what was really going on...

then there was the greatest storm of my life that has finally died down after 3 or 4 months but zapped EVERY part of my being that i wasn't already giving away...
perhaps in time bits and pieces will come out but

~FOR NOW~

it's time to come back and find TRANSPARENCY again.

so at this point, i am 22 weeks pregnant. i have been loving every- ok, MOST- minutes of it... until this week.

i knew the day would come when i would 'pop' but it's rather disconcerting. at this point it feels a lot more like a 'beer belly' and that i've simply gone on a 2 week binge- scary. one thing that always helped me 'measure' myself was by the way my clothes fit. well, let's just say that a consistent 8weeks of that changing constantly has gotten me a little tipsy turvy in the department of being ok with ME.

i have to say, it did surprise me a bit that it hasn't hit me 'til the past couple weeks but at the same time it has me surprised in every way. ugh.

i suppose at this point this all probably has a lot to do with no longer working as of 2 weeks ago.

i've been staying busy just fine and so i thought i WAS fine, but it wouldn't surprise me if this has a lot more to do with finding worth in myself as a WIFE and MOTHER. imagine that.

i should've known this would come up.

i've had a job since i was 14- HALF MY LIFE!!

and now THAT is not any part of my identity.

now, i am TRULY stripped! AHHHH! darn.

how does an overachiever measure worth

when there is nothing to measure it by?!

yikes.

maybe this is where i start trusting in what God says instead of what i can deduce about myself? double yikes.

but, honestly, when it really comes down to it, the pregnant body IS AMAZING! and who created and formed and ordered such a life process??! the very ONE who says i AM full of worth. maybe i need to see this whole mothering thing a lot more differently...

maybe the things i want to attain in this stage of life are wholly and completely unattainable.

what's more, maybe all those things are wholly and completely WORTHLESS.

how could i have forgotten?!

...anyways, i'd already scheduled another 'image board' making day with a friend tomorrow but i have a hunch it will simply bring me back to who i am organically as God created me to be.

it will remind me of all the thing God has created me to do and will show me all the things i am doing that are worthless and are 'grasping for the wind'.

my heart is open and i'm excited to see what i'll find...