need v. want

so i've been a little absent from my blog since last post for a few different reasons...

first, right after i'd posted i was getting back into working out a little i was in a car accident and so now am not working out at all AGAIN.

secondly, i'm maybe enjoying life a little too much, well that's good. ha

thirdly, not being able to work out is forcing me to be even more creative in being active and also is making me focus on more and work through my relationship with food. time-consuming but good. really good.

which brings me to my point- sometimes what we want in life is not what we need.

ie: food. i've been trying to live by the standard of eating however much of whatever i want when i'm actually hungry. but i've always questioned, ok, that's all well and good but how exactly does that fit in with my pre-diabetic condition? and what i've realized that i missed part of the point... the point of separation between body/mind and emotion. see, my relationship with food has been largely based on emotion, but actually taking the time to feel hunger cues and to then hone in with my mind into what my body actually wants as opposed to my emotions is a whole new thing. having a pre-diabetic condition, my body is not really going to be wanting those kinds of food that make it sick. amazing... i guess in the past i have viewed my body as one with my emotions and therefore could not trust it. now i know different. my body DOES know what it wants- if i let them, my emotions are simply what confuses it.

this subject matter is all very comical given i just now remembered that my husband used to tell me when we were just friends,

"i won't give you what you want but i'll give you what you need". 

not that that is humanly comprehensible by another human, but funny all the same.

anyways, a thought i had last night, which is completely opposite of above point-
"i don't need you, but i want you".

and it's true. no one necessarily needs any one person yet we end up with someone whom we are forever inclined to choose to want whether or not we feel like we need to. and aren't i vindicated when i make that right choice to want time and time again when i don't really feel like it? hmmmm, think again...

although it was rather freeing to have that thought and then it hit me like a ton of bricks that that is exactly how marriage was intended to be. have you heard that statement somewhere else??????!!!

how about the Bible?
not word for word, yet that is the whole message of it. God does NOT need us yet He elects time and time again to want us, to want to be a part of our lives and to be loved back. He, of His own volition, created human beings who He KNEW would defy Him yet He invested His whole being into us b/c He chose to WANT us. to have communion.

so why am i surprised that this profound realization ended up in my head?? i shouldn't be. marriage is a complete reflection of God's love for us, of His continued yearning, continued pursuit, continual sacrifice. this story has been around for AGES.

yep, i end up pretty humble when i compare myself to HIS example as opposed to those of other humans. bummer. guess i'm not so special after all... no super human powers, no super human graces, simply the story of God living and breathing in this body. yes, THAT is communion.

and how appropriate this week of Easter... truly, it was a scandalous night.
not another like it in all of history.

Finding moments of celebration~

i am running and working out again. for a few different reasons. in a new, different way.
1. my soccer performance sucks! lol.
2. i need the mood booster- after 4 weeks or so i had TERRIBLE mood swings :)~
3. i DO enjoy it. in moderation, when i want it
4. cellulite, cellulite go away! ha. can't handle it

here's how i'm exercising differently:
1. short distances/times but making the most of it ie: sprints, intervals
2. i'm finding myself wanting to go for a run more to get outside than to actually accomplish something
(SUCCESS!- i am learning that i do NOT have to prove anything to myself!)
3. planning ahead, planning ahead, planning ahead. i feel good about working out 2 of the 4 days that i work with possible volleyball games on a 3rd day. this has helped me manage my time during the week much better to get in some activity but not be stressed about it.
4. i've stopped trying to one-up anyone- including myself!! it's just a ridiculous way to live.

ALL of this not in vain. over the past 4 weeks or so i have also made some life changes that are helping me a LOT to get through my hurried 4 days of work along with volunteer stuff and loooong commutes:

1. i have compiled a cookbook of fav recipes in a way that will help me be more efficient with grocery shopping/meal prep on weekends so that i don't have to devote so much brain juice and time to dinners during the week.

2. i have also started laying out my outfits for work each week so that when i wake up in the morning i have choices but not a whole closetful of them! WAY too daunting when i'm not even awake. AMAZING how this has helped!
(came upon the idea when thinking back to my trip to Mexico and how i was so happy with just a limited part of my wardrobe at a time- it was all thought out yet with room for creative options)

3. i've quit devoting time to things i do NOT enjoy! what a concept, i know. but think about it- how much time do you waste on the computer, on your phone, watching TV, driving, walking through the mall, the grocery store? NO MORE! i have gotten in the habit of asking myself, "do i REALLY want to be doing this??" and most of the time can find something much greater i'd rather devote my time to. i am paying more attention to what tasks/activities really fulfill me and which ones are simply an escape/time-filler

4. no more procrastinating! imagine that. i bought myself a mini planner so that i can keep track of the things i'd like to get done each day- both necessary and purely selfish. it gives me a starting point and reminds me of the things i really WANT to do- and this way i don't end up bogged down on Thursday night so that i coast my way through Friday. GOOD STUFF :)

obviously i do not always make these conscious choices like i should but it is already really changing my life. no joke. oh yeah,

5. i'm getting up early in the morning to spend some time reading the Bible and allowing myself to be challenged spiritually each day. and i'm ENJOYING it! sad that i'd think i wouldn't, i know, but i'm just not a morning person... maybe one day. i know this change in my life has really made a big difference and i'm thankful

so really, this "fast" from exercise- the thing that has been my escape- has not been about the running but it's also not not been about the running.

it's simply that getting it out of the way i've been able to SEE so much more clearly the way i live my life because it's not been clouded by this trophy of myself of who i thought i was.

not forcing myself into self discipline but rather forcing myself into self-appreciation.

"If I gave you a sweater, and you loved it, I would know because you would wear it so much you'd be on the verge of wearing it out, because you loved it that much... It would start to smell like you, and it would get snags and get all stretched out, and just looking at it would make you tell a thousand stories of where it's been and who you've been in it.
That's what I want my life to be, like a well-loved gift. I think life, just life, just breathing in and out, is a great gift. God gives us something amazing when he gives us life, and I want to live with gratitude... If life were a sweater, I would wear it every day. I wouldn't save it or keep it for a special occasion. I would find every opportunity to wear that sweater..."

Life IS good. God created GOOD.

"I have to remind myself that it is good. I have to create hope in my life, because there's something inside me that has radar for the bad parts of life... I have a dark, worst-case scenario sensor, and it takes over. It's all true. There are crumbs on the counter. I am definitely getting wrinkles. I just don't want to live in only that reality... Because there's another reality. A better one. Hope and redemption and change are real, and they're happening all around me. So I choose to act out of THAT reality... I can't live there in the disappointment anymore. I've missed whole seasons of my life... I didn't love the gift of life because I was too busy being angry about the life I was given. I wanted it to be different. But being angry didn't change those things. It just wasted time.

It's rebellious, in a way, to choose joy, to choose to dance, to choose to love your life. It's much easier and much more common to be miserable... I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes... I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift, who will use it up and wring it out and drag it around like a favorite sweater.



Let's sizzle and pop in His name. Let's dance and shimmer and scrawl out our stories across the sky, like he taught us to. Let's echo His words, and let our lives speak those words: It is good."

that's what this is all about- embodying the very life God has given JUST TO ME!
and not being afraid to love it. in all its imperfection.