Momma's Holiday Cranberry Sauce

(yes, i know it's summer and we are a long ways from the holidays, but please, read on...)

it's always a pretty good indication that i need to get cooking again when i open the fridge and have a hard time finding anything that a good meal can consist of... oh the life of ridding oneself of convenience foods...
(i think it's about time i schedule a cooking day so this doesn't happen to me every.single.week, ha!)

well, speaking of ridding our home of convenience foods, there's actually room in the freezer now! but that's not all... this means i can actually SEE what all is in there too!! double excitement. ESPECIALLY when i set eyes on my cranberries, that i bought  at ungodly low prices after the holidays, and froze for use at such a time like this. Mmmmmm!

"cranberries in the summertime?", you might say. and i say, "YES! absolutely!!". in my opinion, there is nothing quite so refreshing and invigorating as a bowl of good 'ol momma's holiday cranberry sauce in the dead of summer. if you can find them, that is. (i ran into that predicament last year about this time so this year i'm prepared.) if you can't find any that are fresh, sometimes grocery stores will sell them in the freezer section. happy hunting! if nothing else, this is an AWESOME go-to recipe for Thanksgiving and Christmas!

enough babbling (can you tell i'm excited?), here goes...


Ingredients:
1 bag (12oz) cranberries
1 large seedless Orange
honey or other sweetener of choice

Directions:
Put cranberries in a food processor and chop into small peanut-size pieces. Remove cranberries and then put the whole orange (you can cut into pieces, as shown, but use the rind too!) in and process until rind is chopped up nicely and incorporated.

  

Combine the cranberries and orange in a bowl and mix in honey to taste. I use 1-2Tb but I do LOVE sour things so you may prefer a bit more. The point is to decrease the sourness from the cranberries but it is supposed to have a tangy flavor. It's like natural, healthy Sour Patch Kids!! haha.

TaDa!!! YUMMY! (i sprinkled some walnuts on top since i had some already chopped up to make some more breakfast cookies)

No Pressure

~

do you ever have those days when you KNOW all your body needs is a salad but NOTHING in you really wants one??? that just happened to me. and guess what i'm eating?! a SALAD! ha. how did that happen? it's this thing called reverse psychology that went a little like this:

need lunch... open fridge (nope, nope, nope, nope- nothing looks good)
go to cabinet... pull out chips- YUM! hmmm, cheese sounds good with these and i bet i could eat a salad too.
5mins later i've got a HUGE salad in my hands w/cheese on top and my chips on the side! self-trickery... that's what i call it!

(ps- the chips are "clean". LOVE Trader Joe's!!!)

~

haha. really though... i was just talking to my friend about this concept the other day. about how allowing yourself to "cheat" often takes away the desire to really actually do it. the conversation we had was more about getting our weekly workouts in and i expressed how i was feeling REALLY exhausted and was gonna give myself a pass again- for the third day in a row. after we got off the phone i was thinking to myself, "hey, you know, i really kinda want to workout now! even if it's just 10minutes." the result? i ended up working out for 18minutes!! same thing as the salad- by not pressuring myself, making myself feel obligated, i still made the RIGHT CHOICE and was HAPPY about it. if i pressure myself into doing the right thing then i usually end up hating every minute of it. self-love and tenderness is SUCH a better way to go!!!

now, granted, this concept can be taken to an extreme, as in just being lazy, but that is where self-awareness and being willing to be honest with yourself comes in. it takes a little practice in being able to discern if you are just making excuses or if you really do need to insert a little self-acceptance WITHOUT that salad or workout. BUT it's SOOO important  to be able to disconnect your identity or self-esteem by what you DO. being proud of your accomplishments is one thing, but finding your whole being in them is another!

you must know that i have not gotten to this place over night. just take a look at the first year or two of posts on this blog and you can follow the journey i have taken on my quest for balance. it's POWERFUL! i look back at those posts and see really how far i've come. i was in a VERY unhealthy state at that point in my life but what progress has taken place over the past couple years! it is time-consuming and tough but SO worth it! i'm VERY thankful that i have taken the opportunity to invest time and energy into this area of health for myself. we as women so often spend our days always caring for those around us- making their world go round and stay in one piece- that we forget to invest in caring for ourselves and our world on top of all of it.

food for thought. i hope that you will decide to do this for yourself as well. you are worth it. just the way you are, right now. if a good starting point for you is reading some of my earlier posts to see how i've come to this point then i'd be SO happy that my story and struggles and victories could help make a difference in someone else's life. there's enough hate in the world already and we should NOT be hating ourselves, the way we look, the goals we haven't met, etc. (and, yes, it is hard to admit that self-hate is really the issue but sometimes- like in my life- that is the reality and it needs to be admitted before it can be overcome.) i am so passionate about this because i struggled for SOO long and i KNOW the insanity that can take place in the mind, soul, and being because of all the pressures to be "beautiful", "perfect", "ideal" that are put on us as women. it doesn't need to be that way and it CAN change! i am proof!!

you are ALREADY enough!!!

need v. want

so i've been a little absent from my blog since last post for a few different reasons...

first, right after i'd posted i was getting back into working out a little i was in a car accident and so now am not working out at all AGAIN.

secondly, i'm maybe enjoying life a little too much, well that's good. ha

thirdly, not being able to work out is forcing me to be even more creative in being active and also is making me focus on more and work through my relationship with food. time-consuming but good. really good.

which brings me to my point- sometimes what we want in life is not what we need.

ie: food. i've been trying to live by the standard of eating however much of whatever i want when i'm actually hungry. but i've always questioned, ok, that's all well and good but how exactly does that fit in with my pre-diabetic condition? and what i've realized that i missed part of the point... the point of separation between body/mind and emotion. see, my relationship with food has been largely based on emotion, but actually taking the time to feel hunger cues and to then hone in with my mind into what my body actually wants as opposed to my emotions is a whole new thing. having a pre-diabetic condition, my body is not really going to be wanting those kinds of food that make it sick. amazing... i guess in the past i have viewed my body as one with my emotions and therefore could not trust it. now i know different. my body DOES know what it wants- if i let them, my emotions are simply what confuses it.

this subject matter is all very comical given i just now remembered that my husband used to tell me when we were just friends,

"i won't give you what you want but i'll give you what you need". 

not that that is humanly comprehensible by another human, but funny all the same.

anyways, a thought i had last night, which is completely opposite of above point-
"i don't need you, but i want you".

and it's true. no one necessarily needs any one person yet we end up with someone whom we are forever inclined to choose to want whether or not we feel like we need to. and aren't i vindicated when i make that right choice to want time and time again when i don't really feel like it? hmmmm, think again...

although it was rather freeing to have that thought and then it hit me like a ton of bricks that that is exactly how marriage was intended to be. have you heard that statement somewhere else??????!!!

how about the Bible?
not word for word, yet that is the whole message of it. God does NOT need us yet He elects time and time again to want us, to want to be a part of our lives and to be loved back. He, of His own volition, created human beings who He KNEW would defy Him yet He invested His whole being into us b/c He chose to WANT us. to have communion.

so why am i surprised that this profound realization ended up in my head?? i shouldn't be. marriage is a complete reflection of God's love for us, of His continued yearning, continued pursuit, continual sacrifice. this story has been around for AGES.

yep, i end up pretty humble when i compare myself to HIS example as opposed to those of other humans. bummer. guess i'm not so special after all... no super human powers, no super human graces, simply the story of God living and breathing in this body. yes, THAT is communion.

and how appropriate this week of Easter... truly, it was a scandalous night.
not another like it in all of history.

Finding moments of celebration~

i am running and working out again. for a few different reasons. in a new, different way.
1. my soccer performance sucks! lol.
2. i need the mood booster- after 4 weeks or so i had TERRIBLE mood swings :)~
3. i DO enjoy it. in moderation, when i want it
4. cellulite, cellulite go away! ha. can't handle it

here's how i'm exercising differently:
1. short distances/times but making the most of it ie: sprints, intervals
2. i'm finding myself wanting to go for a run more to get outside than to actually accomplish something
(SUCCESS!- i am learning that i do NOT have to prove anything to myself!)
3. planning ahead, planning ahead, planning ahead. i feel good about working out 2 of the 4 days that i work with possible volleyball games on a 3rd day. this has helped me manage my time during the week much better to get in some activity but not be stressed about it.
4. i've stopped trying to one-up anyone- including myself!! it's just a ridiculous way to live.

ALL of this not in vain. over the past 4 weeks or so i have also made some life changes that are helping me a LOT to get through my hurried 4 days of work along with volunteer stuff and loooong commutes:

1. i have compiled a cookbook of fav recipes in a way that will help me be more efficient with grocery shopping/meal prep on weekends so that i don't have to devote so much brain juice and time to dinners during the week.

2. i have also started laying out my outfits for work each week so that when i wake up in the morning i have choices but not a whole closetful of them! WAY too daunting when i'm not even awake. AMAZING how this has helped!
(came upon the idea when thinking back to my trip to Mexico and how i was so happy with just a limited part of my wardrobe at a time- it was all thought out yet with room for creative options)

3. i've quit devoting time to things i do NOT enjoy! what a concept, i know. but think about it- how much time do you waste on the computer, on your phone, watching TV, driving, walking through the mall, the grocery store? NO MORE! i have gotten in the habit of asking myself, "do i REALLY want to be doing this??" and most of the time can find something much greater i'd rather devote my time to. i am paying more attention to what tasks/activities really fulfill me and which ones are simply an escape/time-filler

4. no more procrastinating! imagine that. i bought myself a mini planner so that i can keep track of the things i'd like to get done each day- both necessary and purely selfish. it gives me a starting point and reminds me of the things i really WANT to do- and this way i don't end up bogged down on Thursday night so that i coast my way through Friday. GOOD STUFF :)

obviously i do not always make these conscious choices like i should but it is already really changing my life. no joke. oh yeah,

5. i'm getting up early in the morning to spend some time reading the Bible and allowing myself to be challenged spiritually each day. and i'm ENJOYING it! sad that i'd think i wouldn't, i know, but i'm just not a morning person... maybe one day. i know this change in my life has really made a big difference and i'm thankful

so really, this "fast" from exercise- the thing that has been my escape- has not been about the running but it's also not not been about the running.

it's simply that getting it out of the way i've been able to SEE so much more clearly the way i live my life because it's not been clouded by this trophy of myself of who i thought i was.

not forcing myself into self discipline but rather forcing myself into self-appreciation.

"If I gave you a sweater, and you loved it, I would know because you would wear it so much you'd be on the verge of wearing it out, because you loved it that much... It would start to smell like you, and it would get snags and get all stretched out, and just looking at it would make you tell a thousand stories of where it's been and who you've been in it.
That's what I want my life to be, like a well-loved gift. I think life, just life, just breathing in and out, is a great gift. God gives us something amazing when he gives us life, and I want to live with gratitude... If life were a sweater, I would wear it every day. I wouldn't save it or keep it for a special occasion. I would find every opportunity to wear that sweater..."

Life IS good. God created GOOD.

"I have to remind myself that it is good. I have to create hope in my life, because there's something inside me that has radar for the bad parts of life... I have a dark, worst-case scenario sensor, and it takes over. It's all true. There are crumbs on the counter. I am definitely getting wrinkles. I just don't want to live in only that reality... Because there's another reality. A better one. Hope and redemption and change are real, and they're happening all around me. So I choose to act out of THAT reality... I can't live there in the disappointment anymore. I've missed whole seasons of my life... I didn't love the gift of life because I was too busy being angry about the life I was given. I wanted it to be different. But being angry didn't change those things. It just wasted time.

It's rebellious, in a way, to choose joy, to choose to dance, to choose to love your life. It's much easier and much more common to be miserable... I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes... I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift, who will use it up and wring it out and drag it around like a favorite sweater.



Let's sizzle and pop in His name. Let's dance and shimmer and scrawl out our stories across the sky, like he taught us to. Let's echo His words, and let our lives speak those words: It is good."

that's what this is all about- embodying the very life God has given JUST TO ME!
and not being afraid to love it. in all its imperfection.

Subsisto

It's amazing how i am confronted on a regular basis 

with the ways that i continue to manufacture the life i think i want...

for example,
while discussing our current plans to visit Ireland and Scotland this year and at what point during the year we are going to do that i said "while we might as well do it in July because that's when i'll have 16 days off and can you imagine me staying HERE the whole time? i'm gonna want to go somewhere". to which he replied "why do go always want to get away? you avoid this place like the plague. why can't you stay home and be responsible like an adult?"

well, that caught me a little off guard to say the least. probably mainly b/c john doesn't naturally express his true feelings and that is something that we've been working through. sooo, maybe that's why i wasn't offended- because it was so good to hear his true thoughts- but anyhow, i've really been thinking about what he said... because it's true.

so this past weekend he took some time off work and went to a classic car show with his dad.
what did i do?
stayed home.
i didn't make any plans and just stayed home and did do things i've needed and wanted to do.
no exercising, no new diet, also no binging or feeling sorry for myself that i have all these stupid ailments that keep returning and not matter what i do, won't go away.
i LIVED. purely, responsibly, wholly.
(which is a LITTLE difficult after having a bit of a hopelessly depressing week.)

but... it felt GOOD. good to overcome the frustrations, disappointments and difficulties by simply going on. doing normal, daily activities, completing responsibilities instead of following my normal ritual of running, exercising, and running some more. and then wasting the rest of the day in front of the computer...

ANYWAYS,

consider this excerpt from Women, Food and God:

~  "The bottom line, whether you weigh 340 pounds or 120 pounds, is that when you eat when you are not hungry, you are using food as a drug, grappling with boredom or illness or loss or grief or emptiness or loneliness or rejection. Food is only the middleman, the means to the end. Of altering your emotions. Of making yourself numb. Of creating a secondary problem when the original problem becomes too uncomfortable. Of dying slowly rather than coming to terms with your messy, magnificent and very, very short- even at a hundred years old- life. The means to these ends happens to be food, but it could be alcohol, it could be work, it could be sex, it could be cocaine [or it could be exercise]. Surfing the Internet. Talking on the phone... We need it- a lot of it- to go unconscious. To wipe out what's going on. The unconsciousness is what's important, not the [addiction]...

It's about your desire to flatten your life. It's about the fact that you've given up without saying so. It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way- and you're using [your addiction] to act that out without ever having to admit it."  ~

so you see, while exercising has never been a "bad" thing, it has been my numbing agent of choice. a good, safe one, but for the intent of numbing nonetheless. simply the difficulty of staying away from it- literally being addicted to it and truly feeling that i cannot live without it- the purifying, cleansing effect i feel b/c of it- has made that REALLY obvious.

and i was explaining it to my husband last night as this...
"being athletic, fit, able, has been my identity for years. not so much of an addiction as it used to be- or so i thought- but always there. it's like when something happens in my life that makes me feel insecure, unable, defeated, athleticism is the "costume" i have always been able to run to my closet to grab and throw on saying, 'but i'm still this! you can't hurt me. this is my redeeming factor. THIS makes me worth something!'"

and HONESTLY i'm tired of running back to my closet to find my worth.
(ps- i'm really the only one that's ever looking for it)ha

~subsisto~

means to me now at this point in my journey.

the word is truly always evolving...

(the alternate routes of escaping fear and hurt are continuing to shut down one by one.

Perhaps one day i will make this all easier on myself and entirely accept what my mind knows-

that Jesus Christ is the ONLY true route to fulfillment and acceptance...)