safe in the palm of His hand

It's not often that the message on a church's sign means anything to me but the one i saw tonight was just what i needed...


"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit."

when i got home i looked up these words of hope and found the following words surrounding them in perfection like the Bible so often does

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them. O taste and see that the LORD is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! ... The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous And His ears are open to their cry. ... The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit. ... The LORD redeems the soul of His servants, And none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned. - Psa 34:7-8, 15, 18, 22 NASB




it has hit me once again how God's story is so interlaced with redemption, salvation, freedom.
and THAT is hope enough.

to know that it's ok that i'm not in control, that there's no way i can ensure a specific outcome in this tangled web of life-
THAT is freedom.

i feel SO blessed to have such a great hope, to KNOW without a doubt what the end to all these earthly struggles will be. that it will all be worth it and that i have lived a life i can be proud of- worthy of the Lord's calling. redemption WILL come... just not in my timing, and i'm learning to be ok with that.

"...Now I will arise," says the LORD; "I will set him in the safety for which he longs." The words of the LORD are pure words; As silver tried in a furnace on the earth, refined seven times.
- Psa 12:5-6 NASB
 

to have a God who even knows the longing of my heart and to then fulfill that?
THAT is unconditional love and stability.

sincere truth from the very lips of my God.
THAT is peace!

The complexities of what faith encompasses...

Soooooo, not sure why but for some reason have been totally uninspired to write on this blog lately... can pregnancy hormones do that too???! they are so multi-faceted...

Anyways,

...here's a rather astounding truth I've been coming to terms with as of late...

I've been doing a Bible Study with about 4-5 friends each week. One that is centered around believing God:
-believing He is Who He says He is
-believing He can do what He says He can do
-believing I am who God says I am
-believing I can do what God says I can do        and
-believing that God's word is active and living in me

some pretty good concepts if you ask me- they seem pretty simple but in actuality are pretty complex. I've been mulling over #2 specifically

~believing He can do what He says He can do~

this one in particular because I've come to realize that in order to believe this of God i must ALSO believe that just because he chooses NOT to do something in my life does not mean it's time for me to work on fixing it.

this certain point has made me realize that in the past when God has chosen not to do something i've asked Him for, then i tend to try and take over the steering wheel again- instead of accepting and CONTINUING to trust even when He does not work miracles.

this past week's study was particularly encouraging as it touched on examples of lives of people in the Bible that had to learn this same lesson. a couple examples:

1. John the Baptist- this one really blew me away b/c i don't remember him being at a point when he doubted what God was doing or Who he was- after all, he is the  one who proclaimed 

"Behold the Lamb of God Who takes away the sins of the world." 

YET
when he found himself in prison he couldn't help but reevaluate his beliefs about God. Hmmmm.....

2. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego- you know, the three guys who found themselves in the fiery furnace because they refused to worship an idol like the King commanded? yeah... ASTOUNDING faith. again, never really noticed this part of their story
BUT
when they were told what would happen to them if they refused to bow before the idol they responded,

"our God whom we serve is ABLE to deliver us from the furnace...

BUT EVEN IF HE DOES NOT

let it be known to you, O king, that WE ARE NOT going to serve your gods or worship that which you have set up."

THAT is the kind of faith and fortitude i want to exhibit in my life!

WOW.

and then last night i was re-reading a chapter out of Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist again... and in the process was reminded of why her writing speaks so deeply to my soul...

"I believe that God is making all things new. I believe that Christ overcame death and that pattern is apparent all through life and history... I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything's easy. I believe that loss and emptiness and confusion often give way to new fullness and wisdom...

But for a long season, I forgot all those things...

I realized all at once... that the story I was telling was the wrong one- or at the very least, an incomplete one... Looking back now I can see that it was more than anything a failure to BELIEVE in the story of who God is and what He is doing in this world... Instead of living that story I began to live a much smaller story, and that story was only about me. I wanted an answer, a timeline, and a map. I didn't want to have to TRUST God or anything I couldn't see. I didn't want to wait or follow... even when I sat in church and begged for God to direct my life, those things didn't have a chance to transform me, because under those actions and intentions was a rocky layer of faithlessness, fear, and selfishness."

I prayed to be rescued, not redeemed. I prayed for it to get easier, not that I would be shaped in significant ways. I prayed for the waiting to be over, instead of trying to learn something about patience or anything else for that matter.

I couldn't make peace with uncertainty- but there's nothing in the biblical narrative that tells us certainty is part of the deal..."

...in the very least it was a good reminder to me of what a healthy focus is for me right now. over the past couple months my prayers have consistently been for redemption, reclaiming. the Enemy is so very persistent but i have NO doubt my God is orchestrating His own battle... it's just the waiting, the putting up with, the tolerating... living within a wasteland of souls that weighs me down so that i forget that MY story is ALREADY one of redemption and life, growth and abundance!

as nervous as i am, i can not WAIT to hold this little one in my arms... 

a new promise, a new blessing, a gift of grace.

redemption. 

it's all around...

need v. want

so i've been a little absent from my blog since last post for a few different reasons...

first, right after i'd posted i was getting back into working out a little i was in a car accident and so now am not working out at all AGAIN.

secondly, i'm maybe enjoying life a little too much, well that's good. ha

thirdly, not being able to work out is forcing me to be even more creative in being active and also is making me focus on more and work through my relationship with food. time-consuming but good. really good.

which brings me to my point- sometimes what we want in life is not what we need.

ie: food. i've been trying to live by the standard of eating however much of whatever i want when i'm actually hungry. but i've always questioned, ok, that's all well and good but how exactly does that fit in with my pre-diabetic condition? and what i've realized that i missed part of the point... the point of separation between body/mind and emotion. see, my relationship with food has been largely based on emotion, but actually taking the time to feel hunger cues and to then hone in with my mind into what my body actually wants as opposed to my emotions is a whole new thing. having a pre-diabetic condition, my body is not really going to be wanting those kinds of food that make it sick. amazing... i guess in the past i have viewed my body as one with my emotions and therefore could not trust it. now i know different. my body DOES know what it wants- if i let them, my emotions are simply what confuses it.

this subject matter is all very comical given i just now remembered that my husband used to tell me when we were just friends,

"i won't give you what you want but i'll give you what you need". 

not that that is humanly comprehensible by another human, but funny all the same.

anyways, a thought i had last night, which is completely opposite of above point-
"i don't need you, but i want you".

and it's true. no one necessarily needs any one person yet we end up with someone whom we are forever inclined to choose to want whether or not we feel like we need to. and aren't i vindicated when i make that right choice to want time and time again when i don't really feel like it? hmmmm, think again...

although it was rather freeing to have that thought and then it hit me like a ton of bricks that that is exactly how marriage was intended to be. have you heard that statement somewhere else??????!!!

how about the Bible?
not word for word, yet that is the whole message of it. God does NOT need us yet He elects time and time again to want us, to want to be a part of our lives and to be loved back. He, of His own volition, created human beings who He KNEW would defy Him yet He invested His whole being into us b/c He chose to WANT us. to have communion.

so why am i surprised that this profound realization ended up in my head?? i shouldn't be. marriage is a complete reflection of God's love for us, of His continued yearning, continued pursuit, continual sacrifice. this story has been around for AGES.

yep, i end up pretty humble when i compare myself to HIS example as opposed to those of other humans. bummer. guess i'm not so special after all... no super human powers, no super human graces, simply the story of God living and breathing in this body. yes, THAT is communion.

and how appropriate this week of Easter... truly, it was a scandalous night.
not another like it in all of history.