the quest for paradise

i'm sitting on a plane headed to the promised land… well, ok, just the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. 

It's just that i've at this moment realized how i'm seeking a return to simplicity. 

there's a comic strip on my fridge about 2 young adult ladies spending the afternoon 'together' on their computers and reminiscing about childhood and how life has gotten 'better' with gadgets. the next frame shows them blowing bubbles outside together obviously enjoying themselves a WHOLE lot more. it's true, isn't it?

i'm listening to 'Glitter in the Air' by Pink and thought that throwing a fistful of glitter into the air sounds really inviting right now. 

the abandon of spontaneity.

And Lake Superior? it's the epitome of vacation - leisure. It's where I've always felt most alive. Abandoned to spontaneity, to my true self, to what my self desires and loves. It's SO time to go back. 

I've obviously been absent from the blog for the past few weeks - guess I have been enjoying life too much. In reality, I have been. I do feel alive, thankful, content, happy with where my life is right now. just one problem…

I've had a yeast infection for 3 months that will NOT go away. I'd like to think it has nothing to do with it, but could it be in part due to my surrender of struggling with food? i don't judge myself anymore for what i eat… is this the answer, though?

I must admit, this part of my life has been about the MOST frustrating thing i've ever had to deal with. I feel like I have tried everything and still it won't go away. It's wreaking havoc and there's absolutely nothing more i can do about it but continue to try new things. yeah, FRUSTRATING. 

i feel like i've been doing really well with my goal of being present in each moment of the day and intentionally staying in those moments and not trying to 'leave' with food. but i don't know. i think once i kick this infection i will have to reevaluate. i certainly do best when i don't have 'rules' and rather choose what is BEST but maybe that will have to change for my health. It sucks. 

Anyways, I am looking forward to 5 days of sitting on the beach with my UGGS-sketchbook and pencil in hand watching the sun set over the most magical lake i know… I'll let you know what faraway places it takes me to ;)

draw your Sword~

... As the deer pants for the water brooks, So my soul pants for You, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God; When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me. For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God, With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him For the help of His presence.
O my God, my soul is in despair within me; Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.
The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; And His song will be with me in the night, A prayer to the God of my life.
I will say to God my rock, "Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?"
As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.
(Psalm 42)

i feel like Job tonight.

ignorant? facetious? 

YES.

but it doesn't really matter b/c God cares anyways.

it all became so clear to me tonight...

as i said in my previous post, last weekend was horrific.

i literally felt like i was being attacked and tormented by the powers of this world.

i felt the same way tonight though on a lesser scale.

now i see that the past 2 months have been a well thought out battle on the enemy's part.

a slow, slippery slide. that came down last weekend and i am only now understanding how to put the pieces back together.

~this was an extremely covert operation but i'm onto it now~

basically, i've had an infection for 2 months.

which then progressed to a double infection as i found out 2 weeks ago. plus complications.

normal part of life, no?

ok, but aimed directly at the root of my marriage... for this length of time?

questionable.

perhaps if i break it down it'll be a little more clear...

1. this infection has prohibited me the ability to be a wife to my husband, physically

2. the lack of contact has affected our non-verbal communication

3. the lack of non-verbal communication has affected our verbal communication

4. all the above has affected my sense of worth in this marriage... which in turn has affected my self-esteem... which in turn has affected my mood... which in turn has affected my ability to keep my emotions under control... which in turn has numbed me to the folly of turning to food for comfort... which in turn ended up numbing my life for a few days... which in turn ended me right back where i started... which in turn caused me to question my testimony for the victories God has brought about in my life... which in turn has caused me to question my validity as a leader and example to the teens in our church. IT HAS AFFECTED EVERY AREA OF MY LIFE.

i'm SO tired of fighting it all.

yet, while i certainly have prayed about all this, now my eyes SEE.

now i have fallen ON MY FACE before the Lord.

really, He's giving me what i have asked and yearned for...

sometimes i can be so blind.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

i did not seek the Lord's purposes at the start- thought i could figure it out.

but i LOVE these words of Job...

"I know that You can do all things, And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.

'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' "Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."

'Hear, now, and I will speak; I will ask You, and You instruct me.'

"I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear; But now my eye sees You;Therefore I retract, And I repent in dust and ashes."

(Job 42:2-6)

it's so ignorant to think that everything in life is of no explanation or no spiritual consequence.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places."

and the surrounding verses:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.

Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil...

Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.

(Ephesians 6:10-13)

GOD IS DOING SOME GREAT AND MIGHTY THINGS IN THIS CITY,

IN THIS CHURCH, IN MY LIFE, AND IN MY MARRIAGE.

I AM NOT SO IGNORANT AS TO THINK THE ENEMY WILL JUST PASS US BY!

he has certainly hit me where it hurts - in every way

YET...

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come,

nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

(Romans 8:31-32, 35-39)

 

when i don't want to talk to anyone, but need to...

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .

say what you need to say.

why is it so hard to talk to others in the midst of hardship and trials???

i've gotta say i'm not very proud of myself today.

got VERY little accomplished.

just not a good use of the time God has given me.

(i hate it when i have days like this...<sigh>)

it's a little frustrating, 

BUT IT'S OK.

i know this whole "staying" thing takes a few months at best to really get used to.

the sad thing is, i don't even know what i was trying to run from today... i guess being lonely.

i hate it that i live a half hour from practically everyone i know. it just makes life a little more complicated.

on the other hand, i know that Satan is trying to use my poor use of time and food today to tell me that i have NOT made progress.

LIE!!!

Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

THESE WORDS ARE ENCOURAGEMENT FROM THE LORD

THAT

I AM OK.

IT'S ALL SUCH A PROCESS.

BUT I AM LEARNING.

at times i'd like to say that i don't have anyone who really cares about me.

who check in on me and calls me.

sometimes i just get so tired of always doing that for others.

i guess no one's ever really asked me to but isn't that the reason for the Body of Christ?

it's not an excuse really. in reality, i don't reach out when i need to. that's the real problem.

but the enemy knows my weaknesses and catches me when i'm spiritually, emotionally, mentally exhausted and have not replenished spiritually with God's Word.

this is another REAL problem.

WHY DO I THINK I CAN DO IT ALONE???

maybe it's more an issue of feeling worthy enough to ask for help and support from others.

i believe that is my next step-

understanding and recognizing the signs of when my respect for myself has declined b/c THAT is when i make really bad decisions. 

well, that, and continuing to learn to stay. to be content in each moment. and to continue to understand & admit when i'm running

<sigh>

when did life get so complicated?

Sufficiency~

~what is one to do with it when it is betrayed over and over?

...by the one who is trusted most???

if only the story of Hosea weren't in the Bible i'd feel much more

vindicated.

that example is one that's just a little too difficult to live up to

<sigh>.

sometimes i feel like my fierce loyalty is my greatest weakness.

but i know that is only by the world's standards.

in reality, my loyalty is one of my greatest characteristics in the aspect of being a testimony for Christ.

and this is how i know i'm normal - 

sometimes it feels like unconditional love, forgiveness, and acceptance is just too much too handle.

marriage certainly is no fairytale.

but i am THANKFUL to have found myself at a place of sufficiency in Christ, once again.

i am content.

and that is enough.

it is more than enough.

it is victory over my flesh.

the truth is, man will ALWAYS fail.

as romantic as it is to think there are certain people who are exempt,

IT'S JUST NOT TRUE.

but the real question is, what is going to be my response?

do i need to respond?

does it even matter to me?

...if i were honest, respect and confrontation are difficult for me to merge.

(perhaps the quiet of Borders, some tea and a scone will help...)

"...do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with GOOD."

Romans 12:21

Evil:

κακός

     1) of a bad nature

     a) not such as it ought to be

     2) of a mode of thinking, feeling, acting

     a) base, wrong, wicked

     3) troublesome, injurious, pernicious, destructive, baneful

Good:

ἀγαθός

    1) of good constitution or nature

    2) useful, salutary

    3) good, pleasant, agreeable, joyful, happy

    4) excellent, distinguished

    5) upright, honourable

Choices...part 2

I was reading an article the other day in Women's Health magazine that I found to be very interesting...
it was titled "The Bad Girl's Guide to Good Health". here's is an overview of what it said-

1. Getting p*ssed off can keep stress in check.
2. Downing coffee could cut your cancer risk.
3. Being a slob may help you breathe easier.
4. Drinking beer may benefit your heart and bones.
5. Surfing the Internet might tune up your brain.
6. Chewing gum can keep you trim.


- it made me laugh, actually. all the possibilities... can, could, may, might. i suppose if i jumped off a cliff i may feel exhilarated. you just never know. why is it that we always need to have approval, validation, for the things we do? why, when the majority of people read an article like that do they heave a sigh of relief?? really? maybe b/c you're an addict but can't admit it? to coffee? to anger? to the Internet?

you know the truth.

that's not to say i've never been the same way.

but i've been learning more and more that if i listen to and understand my own body

i'm a whole lot smarter than if i read something in a magazine that doesn't even relate to me.

they only say it does so their publication can sell.

it's a lie.

God gave me a brain that works really well - i will not be brainwashed anymore because now i have freedom and i'm HAPPY.

i do not need to lose 5 more pounds

i do not need to fit into my skinny jeans 

i do not need to have to workout to tone and firm each part of my body

i do not need to guilt myself into eating salads every day

i do not need to deprive myself of the food i like

...i have wasted too much of my life in this form of self-loathing. 

i DO need to love myself as God has created me and take care of myself

i DO need to love God and continue to pursue my relationship with Him

i DO need to love others and be a servant in the new life i have found   

...i am NOT wasting any more of my life.

(it's time to trust again)

BESIDES, THERE ARE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE, ANYWAYS...

"See, I have set before you today life and prosperity, and death and adversity;

in that I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in His ways and to keep His commandments and His statutes and His judgments,that you may live ...

"But if your heart turns away and you will not obey, but are drawn away and worship other gods and serve them,

I declare to you today that you shall surely perish....

"I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live...

by loving the LORD your God, by obeying His voice,and by holding fast to Him; for this is your life and the length of your days."

(Excerpts from Deuteronomy 30)

...so, yes, we all have choices.

what will YOU choose???

Choices and Consequences

today was MUCH better than yesterday. why??? it all comes down to the choices i make...

 i have been exTREMEly tired this week. ALL week. fatigue is my greatest enemy. as much as i love sleeping, i'd rather be piddling in my Art Room working on my "Sketchbook Project", which i am very "behind" in, going for a run in cool weather that is nonexistent, planning out meals for the coming week, or a whole host of other things.

anyways, my choice yesterday for breakfast -brownie torte -pales largely in comparison to today's choice, V8 w/greens powder for a good wake-me-up, followed by oatmeal with protein powder and flax seed. pretty scary, huh? i'm realizing that so much of my health hinges on split second decisions- ones that are helpful to be awake for, which yesterday obviously i wasn't.

for so long my quest for health has consisted of attempting a healthy diet coupled with a good amount of exercise. 

but FOR ME this doesn't work long term.

~

it all becomes so masochistic and routine that, about every 3 weeks, i grow tired of it all and rebel against all the progress i have made.

~

NOW

i'm finally understanding that i have to take care of me- not simply follow the "do's" and resist the "dont's"

SO HERE'S A SYNOPSIS OF MY RECENT PROGRESS:

1. i eat what i want
2. i only eat when i am hungry
3. i am consciously present when i eat
4. i make lunches for myself so i don't snack all day long
5. i fix dinner if i actually have the energy to do so
6. i prepare food ahead of time
7. i LOVE food!

...i have to admit, food does still kind of scare me some. just b/c of my struggles in the past with resisting the "bad" stuff, i'm still learning that i can trust myself to make wise decisions to fuel my body and to listen to it when i choose what to eat. enough of that.

AND EVEN MORE PROGRESS:

1. i take time to read (b/c i love to do it, so why not?? it's all about prioritizing)
2. i take time to notice the little things in life that i often missed before
3. i workout or am purposefully active every day in order to boost my serotonin levels and endorphins
4. i drink tea - hot or cold, i love the antioxidants and calming effects!
5. when i carve out time to do something that is intrinsically ME, i protect it and celebrate it!
6. i EMBRACE and accept chaos instead of running from it! what a concept...

it's all about being present in this life God has blessed me with. before, as i was seeking and searching for the next big, new thing to "accomplish" or "conquer", i was living in a tunnel. i didn't take time to look around, to just be. it was all about finding, completing, being better. 

so guess what.

now i know i'm best right where i am, right now.

i have nowhere to "go" but lots to "do".

i'm so tired of being excited about a life i haven't been living.

i'm ready to live a life i'm excited to BE in.

...back to my opening statement. CHOICES.

it's really tough being a married woman who takes care of children for a living.

some people call it being a mom but i'm only a full-time nanny.

this is where taking care of myself comes in.

because i get SO tired taking care of everyone else.

i know full-well the consequences of my actions in regards to my health- if what goes in isn't pretty, what i feel like the rest of the day isn't pretty and i DO NOT like feeling less than stellar!

believe me, i know my body from the inside out.

LET'S JUST SAY IF I'M DOING WHAT I KNOW I NEED TO IN ORDER TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, brownie torte would never make its way into my mouth at 6:30 in the morning.

just sayin...

i'm worth a little more than that!!

the threads of life

So today my husband and I motorcycled it over to Orlando to visit with some friends who are down here on vacation from MI. Friends that are close to twice my age, whose boys I cared for for a while about 9 years ago. The gentleman just happened to be in Tampa the weekend of our wedding and since he is a professional photographer, happens to be the person we hired to capture our day in the most meaningful way possible. I see this family about once every 2 years with very little contact in between. 

and so it got me wondering...

what is it that ties the hearts and lives of people together in such a way that somehow there is no separation no matter the time, distance, changes in life? I must say, it does baffle me a bit.

I mean, these people I originally know from the church I grew up in and from what I can tell, other than a former employee of theirs, I am the only one they still keep in touch with from the congregation. And loosely at that like I stated. So really, they are in the position geographically to stay in much closer contact with many more people who are much closer in age to them so, why me???

interesting.

And then tonight I had a chance to stop by and see 2 of the 3 girls that I nannied for over 4.5 years most recently. No other children will have hugs that can replace theirs. They are SO a part of me. Still. Sometimes I actually really ache for them. And so I realize that this is only a taste of what it must be to be a mother...

The Power of Children.

they connect lives and impact hearts in ways so discreet that if you're not looking for it

you will miss it. and if you do, you will miss

one of the biggest wonders of life...

So you see, as I stay- I find, I learn

...to love life and cherish it in the fashion God gives it to me.