Electing Loss

i think i'm crazy... however, i've been caught in limbo and do not even have a way to tell up from down, right from wrong... crazy from normal. at least i don't think i have a way...

but this just says it all too well...
"...i tried and tried and tried to make something work that had stopped working a long time before i tried to salvage it. and i left, in the end, beccause i had no other choice... i feel like something unraveled around me. i feel more vulnerable and powerless than i have in a decade. i don't recognize myself in the mirror...

the point, i can see now, is not the running. the point is that the running was like a safety pin that was holding me together, and when the pin released, the whole system of my life and my self have fallen apart. i know that this is just something i have done in the past, that it's not a badge of who i am, that it's not as important as my character or my family or my soul. i know.

i know those things, but something has happened to me since i've quit running. something bad. i've lost it, whatever it is. i've lost that sense that i was okay, and that i will be okay again. i've lost all belief in my future. i'm sad and scared and ashamed. without knowing it, without intending to, i've shoved way too much of myself into my running, more than it could possibly bear, and i set myself up to fall a terrible distance if something were ever to happen to that part of my llife... i put all my eggs in that one basket, until it became impossibly heavy, and it broke.

...when i gave up running i gave up my identity, my confidence, my legitimacy. and it's not anyone's fault but my own. it's my fault for trying to find a shortcut, knowing full well that true spiritual depth and actual confidence have no substitutes."

(paraphrased from "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Niequist)

who else purges something from their life that they love, that isn't unhealthy in and of itself, just for the fun of it? well, moreso because i KNOW the motive behind it is wrong. i ask myself if this is even necessary? but when i think of going back to it i feel like i am returning to an old addiction...

well, the previous paragraphs are from last week. yesterday i went for a run.

i discovered over the weekend a really scary truth through a simple statement to my husband and a sudden realization of the answer- i NEED God.

of course i know this yet at the same time have not determined to make good on that realization. it's been my intention for the past couple weeks to get up at 6am every morning simply because i can. to work out a couple of those days, to give myself some time to enjoy the morning, and most certainly to give myself the time to spend with the Lord that i so desperately NEED. i think that giving up running for a few weeks made this realization for change blatantly necessary. and now i see the WHOLE need for change- to be legitimately me in the Lord. without HIM i am NOT legitimate.

so, yes, this week i have been waking at 6am and giving myself those things that i need. and my days are progressing so much better. success!

(we'll see if i can keep it up...)

Subsisto

It's amazing how i am confronted on a regular basis 

with the ways that i continue to manufacture the life i think i want...

for example,
while discussing our current plans to visit Ireland and Scotland this year and at what point during the year we are going to do that i said "while we might as well do it in July because that's when i'll have 16 days off and can you imagine me staying HERE the whole time? i'm gonna want to go somewhere". to which he replied "why do go always want to get away? you avoid this place like the plague. why can't you stay home and be responsible like an adult?"

well, that caught me a little off guard to say the least. probably mainly b/c john doesn't naturally express his true feelings and that is something that we've been working through. sooo, maybe that's why i wasn't offended- because it was so good to hear his true thoughts- but anyhow, i've really been thinking about what he said... because it's true.

so this past weekend he took some time off work and went to a classic car show with his dad.
what did i do?
stayed home.
i didn't make any plans and just stayed home and did do things i've needed and wanted to do.
no exercising, no new diet, also no binging or feeling sorry for myself that i have all these stupid ailments that keep returning and not matter what i do, won't go away.
i LIVED. purely, responsibly, wholly.
(which is a LITTLE difficult after having a bit of a hopelessly depressing week.)

but... it felt GOOD. good to overcome the frustrations, disappointments and difficulties by simply going on. doing normal, daily activities, completing responsibilities instead of following my normal ritual of running, exercising, and running some more. and then wasting the rest of the day in front of the computer...

ANYWAYS,

consider this excerpt from Women, Food and God:

~  "The bottom line, whether you weigh 340 pounds or 120 pounds, is that when you eat when you are not hungry, you are using food as a drug, grappling with boredom or illness or loss or grief or emptiness or loneliness or rejection. Food is only the middleman, the means to the end. Of altering your emotions. Of making yourself numb. Of creating a secondary problem when the original problem becomes too uncomfortable. Of dying slowly rather than coming to terms with your messy, magnificent and very, very short- even at a hundred years old- life. The means to these ends happens to be food, but it could be alcohol, it could be work, it could be sex, it could be cocaine [or it could be exercise]. Surfing the Internet. Talking on the phone... We need it- a lot of it- to go unconscious. To wipe out what's going on. The unconsciousness is what's important, not the [addiction]...

It's about your desire to flatten your life. It's about the fact that you've given up without saying so. It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way- and you're using [your addiction] to act that out without ever having to admit it."  ~

so you see, while exercising has never been a "bad" thing, it has been my numbing agent of choice. a good, safe one, but for the intent of numbing nonetheless. simply the difficulty of staying away from it- literally being addicted to it and truly feeling that i cannot live without it- the purifying, cleansing effect i feel b/c of it- has made that REALLY obvious.

and i was explaining it to my husband last night as this...
"being athletic, fit, able, has been my identity for years. not so much of an addiction as it used to be- or so i thought- but always there. it's like when something happens in my life that makes me feel insecure, unable, defeated, athleticism is the "costume" i have always been able to run to my closet to grab and throw on saying, 'but i'm still this! you can't hurt me. this is my redeeming factor. THIS makes me worth something!'"

and HONESTLY i'm tired of running back to my closet to find my worth.
(ps- i'm really the only one that's ever looking for it)ha

~subsisto~

means to me now at this point in my journey.

the word is truly always evolving...

(the alternate routes of escaping fear and hurt are continuing to shut down one by one.

Perhaps one day i will make this all easier on myself and entirely accept what my mind knows-

that Jesus Christ is the ONLY true route to fulfillment and acceptance...)

Freeing Myself

this week has been really tough.
still learning to be ok with myself sans exercise = HARD.
(why am i afraid to be me without it??)

it's sooo crazy, i'm realizing more and more how it still has been my identity. and struggle with whether or not that's ok? every time i feel bad about myself i want to go for a run or workout to ATONE for whatever i'm feeling bad about. that can't be right. when i am MOST myself i feel fine, eat right, don't even think about working out b/c i am keeping busy with the things i love, and feel FULFILLED. 

i guess it just all comes down to the fact that i really really desire to get to the point where i don't judge myself, in any small way, because of what i see in the mirror or what i do or don't accomplish in a day, week, year before i start 'exercising' again.

i recently made a new image board (-cutouts of pictures/saying from magazines depicting what i want in my life-) and the phrase that keeps catching my eye whenever i pass by it is "Free Yourself". it's sad. i see now how i have never before allowed myself to be anything else but The Athletic One. it's not at all that it's a bad thing to be such but it's about time to allow myself be 'free' again. i know that there is a part of me that likes being athletic and active but i DON'T want it to be a requirement of self-acceptance any more. i'm better than that.

i'm interested to see what will become of me after all is said and done...

as my brother posted the other day:

 "all that we call spirit and art and ecstasy only means that for one awful instant we remember that we forget."

what has your spirit forgotten?

where do your chains need loosed?

"[Luxury] is about pursuing what you love and desire - trusting your instincts and convictions and transforming your life into what you want it to be. In the end, luxury is personal."

Who I Am

have you ever heard the Bible verse about not owing anyone anything? i'd heard it all my life and then last year as i ran across it again i read the second part of the verse which was comPLETEly mesmerizing to me:

"Render to all what is due them: tax to whom tax is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor. Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law."
(Romans 13:7-8)

the reason this verse hit me so is because it made me realize how much i cannot love others until i love myself:

"...'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.'"  
(Matt. 22:39)

...up until this point i had never thought of it as OWING myself love.

as in, non-negotiable.



About 3 weeks ago i started thinking about why i 'love' running half marathons... the answer? It scared me. Well, I guess that answer was really another question but it seemed valid enough to be an answer-

"do i run half marathons b/c it makes me feel important? like i AM somebody?

could this be the new thing i have sought to gain worth from?"

i haven't been able to say 'no' yet and so i do not train.

why?

because to me,

MOTIVE

is

EVERYTHING

while i KNOW we as human beings are created to find fulfillment in accomplishments and a job well done, i also KNOW that i should NOT be looking for my worth in ANYTHING save the Lord. so until i can say 'no, i am not seeking my worth in this accomplishment' i will not be signing up for any more half marathons. that is really hard to say, actually. but i KNOW that getting my identity caught up in all this is exactly what took me to a point of inability to run all those years ago due to knee injuries.

DISCLAIMOR: this does NOT mean by any stretch of the imagination that i will stop all forms of activity. it DOES mean that i am going to choose to enjoy the various parts of my life and not place restrictions, rules, guidelines on myself... which inevitably blind me to all the things i love b/c i'm too busy trying to be enough for myself.


SOOOO.....

i am LOVING life!

ways my life has changed...

1. ever since being in Mexico a couple weeks ago i cannot forget how much i LOVE being outside! every day i look for ways to INSERT outdoor activities into every minute and hour that i can, thus, maintaining an active lifestyle even if it's not necessarily 'exercising'.

2. i'm focusing on eating as 'Clean' as possible. whole grains, vegetables, nuts/protein, etc. and water, water, and well, tea :) ...i'm finding that by not taking so much of my time to workout i have a lot more time to plan and brainstorm how to put more and more fresh produce into my diet.

3. i'm actually finishing projects i start, getting areas cleaned and organized that have been on my to-do list for a month, and am dreaming up new creative possibilities. ALL THIS= productivity!= feeling like i am taking care of myself by doing the things i want to. 

4. this is the big one, I'M LIVING IN THE MOMENT. by not always having this harsh inner voice condemning my inability to reach goals and squeeze everything in i think i ought to, the cloud of expectation is lifted and i have clean, fresh air around me to breathe!= freedom = experiencing life in every way :) 

honestly, the timing of it all has been kind of crazily providential.

God totally started challenging me with these things about a week before i left for Mexico and then my time and activities while there just really solidified it all. it IS possible to be healthy and spend time doing what i love. maybe for so long i haven't been willing to give myself the choice so i just always assumed what i loved without even stopping to think about it.

i KNOW i will be exercising again soon but only b/c i WANT to. because i do KNOW that sometimes it IS what i love. but at other times it is NOT what i want to do and that's OK. it's the pressure on myself that i do NOT love. because it ISN'T love. i should never have to accomplish something to be worthy in my own mind. i AM a woman of worth simply b/c i am a child of God and Christ gave His life for me so that i can live and breathe and find joy abundantly. how dare i do anything other than that? it is enough that...

I ALREADY AM EVERYTHING I SHOULD BE

i WILL NOT make excuses for my true self any more!

this song is SO powerful...