One year gone, another year come

So this is my New Year's post... a week late, obviously, but that's just life. oh well.

i wanted to really recap the year as a declaration to myself of all the things i have accomplished.

(if the perfectionist in me doesn't see progress 

depression ensues so this is an important part of life for me.)

In a nutshell, last year i had 3 goals:

1. run a half marathon

2. learn to surf

3. complete a triathlon

The results of last year's goals:

1. ran 2 half-marathons with plans for completing more this year :) i discovered i LOVE racing long distance!! something i NEVER thought i was cut out to do

2. my trip to hawaii was cancelled resulting in procrastination in accomplishing this goal (maybe this year?)

3. swimming competitively freaks me out and i really don't care anymore now that i'm loving running. (maybe a duathlon this year?)

so, yeah, basically my succes rate is 33.3%

BUT

last year was SO much more than that!

one of my dear friends introduced me to the idea of a "vision board" a couple years ago and the most current one i am measuring myself up against i had ALL last year so i think that, really, is a MUCH more accurate way of measuring my growth as a person, which honestly matters more to me...

here are some inspiring quotes that are on my board and circumstances that proved their validity in my life:

1. be a better you- 

*in a world constantly influencing us into thinking we need to be someone else or "be" a different way, or change to be accepted, in all the ways i'm changing and growing i want to do so in a way that i can stay true to myself.

2. travel to our waterworld, swim through the air, run through the water and be one with the humidity- (b/c i HATE humidity and that is all FL has unfortunately)-

*the summer of 2009 i really let the heat and humidity of summer in FL to make me ornery and upset. in 2010 i wanted to CHOOSE a positive attitude and make the best of it! i was MUCH happier this summer and embraced it as well as i could- seems to have worked b/c my husband told me last week it was the hottest summer on record and it seemed much more bearable to me than the previous year.

3. Time to shine-

*this kind of goes along with #1 but i really wanted to take my passions and and be the best at them i could be. my life in 2010 felt very enriching both through self-cultivation and service

4. early bird gets the burn-

*it was a goal of mine to not let early, early mornings get in the way of me carving out time to run. i'd done it in high school- why not now?? mission completed. many mornings my sneakers found themselves hitting the pavement before 6am in order to train for my second half marathon.

5. self expression-

*in the past year i have really given some thought into what MY art is. i am working on developing my personal style and voice in the art i create and am giving myself more time to do so. 

6. give voice to your heart- 

*in May of last year i quit my job of 3.5 years simply b/c i realized it wasn't what i wanted in my life anymore and b/c i had a choice. in my mind, sticking with this job was something that had been on a "timeline" of what i expected out of myself but when i really reevaluated where i was personally and what i wanted out of life at that time i realized the two could not coexist. really it just comes down to the fact that i NEVER want to look back at a period of my life and wish i'd done it differently. Carpe Diem! some opportunities that are here today will not be here tomorrow...

7. confidence is about your inner vision of who you are- 

*this blog is the result. choosing to find who i am in the very depth of ME- not in my OUTWARD APPEARANCE

8. live your best life-

*comparable to #6. take chances, make changes, love who i am, what i'm doing. check! 

9. my only requirement for life is that i don't get stuck in a rut-

*LOVE this one! God created me for an abundant life and that's what i aspire to! whether it's learning, exploring, training, health, my marriage, lifestyle- i NEVER want to take for granted where i am and find myself accepting that all these facets of my life are in the "fine" category. i ALWAYS want to be growing and challenged.

10. you've blazed your own trail-

*in a day and age when people are most always satisfied with their current circumstances i'm constantly reevaluating my life and circumstances, dreams and goals, aspirations and cultivating an all-around "gutsy" attitude to do what it takes to make the most out of this life, these talents, abilities, dreams God has given me; to the chagrin of my husband, ha. 

"to strive, to seek, to find and not to yield" (as in to the status quo.) no thanks! :)~ 

so really, in all the things that matter, last year was a 100% success!

it certainly wasn't perfect (refer to the last post!) but i'm happy to say that all the difficulties bring me to where i am today- and i wouldn't do it any different... (well, except for maybe the infection!- MISERABLE)

in the fact that last year was certainly a success for ME, 

i've come to my ONLY meaningful resolution for this year:

~success in my marriage~

you see, unfortunately it took some drastic circumstances in the last couple weeks of last year to show me that i have NOT been the kind of wife that i ought to be. as i reevaluated what a wife is supposed to be- biblically- i could not find myself in that description. on the outside, maybe, yes. but on the inside?? in my hearts of hearts?? no way. because my husband and i are so independent he has never asked me to be different but i see now that i MUST be. i have not been the "help meet" as God created woman to be when He created her for man. maybe this doesn't make much sense but it is VERY clear to me in my head. i have not been my husbands greatest supporter, cheerleader, confidant, friend. putting him before myself b/c i WANT to. revering, respecting him as the leader of our home. none of these things have happened unconditionally as i've been called to do. but i DO want to. i see it now and find myself in a place where perhaps i have never felt so in the center of God's will before. perhaps because this service as a wife is really to the Lord first and it is obedience- no strings attached, no stipulations. simply because it is what i'm created to be.

basically the way that i'm beginning to see it is it's all about 

growing my rootz

in my husband.

in who he is, in his needs, in his dreams, in his life.

i really want to be interwoven into his life

and i don't think that has happened yet.

i now see he really is 

ALL 

i have on this earth and i WANT to be an inseparable part of his life.

and honestly, i'm EXCITED! 

i do believe this next year will be the best yet of my marriage.

i cannot WAIT to see what the year holds!!

So This is the New Year

i find myself in a back corner of one of Savannah's finest independent coffee shops and have to ask myself,

"When is it that we divert from what we love and make life so complicated??"

it never fails, i always come back to the same aspirations 

whenEVER i am in a town such as this.

i go back to my art.

back to the small town feel- that exists inside a rather large town- that i adore.

back to exploration.

back to the vigor i really want in every day of my life.

back to what is exactly, completely, wholly ALL that i really want:

a cup of tea, a book and my husband by my side  

preferably on a rainy afternoon

(and not necessarily in that order)

oh yes, and most times with biscotti or a scone as well

(just not today)

such simplicity, soooo

why do i make life so complicated?

it's times like these i really have to contemplate what it is that i devote myself to every day.

of course this is always so easy to say while on vacation. 

but at the same time it really is unfortunate how so much i allow stuff to run my life.

another adoration:

living in an area where i can walk to and from the market, coffee shop, bookstore, art galleries, etc.

-it's just pure joy!

i get so tiresome of running out to the store all the time that i think i purchase more than is needed just so that i can save myself a trip. but then everything piles up. and God knows the piles certainly don't take care of themselves. i need a return to simplicity. FOR REAL.

-an extremely daunting request of  an artist, fashionista, musician, and athlete.

i told myself no resolutions but perhaps this can simply be my quest for this year.

to purge.

when you come as close as i have to losing the thing most dearest to you

you just simply have no choice but to reevaluate.

who you are, what you're doing, where you're going.

and what of all that MATTERS

2010 was learning to love myself, perhaps 2011 will be learning to love my life- no strings attached. 

wholly, purely, organically.

in all it is, whatever it is, not expecting it to be something it's not.

So This is Christmas...

my pastor said something last Sunday that i have found quite profound...

"often you will find that most everyone is fine and happy about Jesus in the mangerbut when you put Him on a cross, people have a problem with that."

that's the way it is isn't it? we want to stay in a place of simplicity.

 for when we come to the hard, difficult truths of life we shy away and run into the arms of all we used to know to be pleasant and safe and painless. 

easy, simple, manageable.

but really, is that what life is about???

being able to manage it?

i am convinced without a doubt that it is just the opposite.

this year has not been easy for me. not one bit.

yet i have grown by leaps and bounds- on a monthly basis- and let me tell you, God is squeezing in all He can out of the last few days of this year.

but see, it is out of the hardships, the pain, the grief, the tears and mourning that i HAVE grown. perhaps simply because i CHOSE to make that hard decision to not run.

at the very beginning of my blog i wrote about learning to stay. stay in the pain, stay in the chaos, stay in the ups and downs of life. that has been a really massive theme of my life this year and maybe just now i'm realizing, gratefully, that that theme has an essay that surrounds it.

in these last few days of the year i am facing some of the toughest hurts and emotions of my life and as once again i was COMPELLED without choice to open my Bible to find the strength to function i've been struck by SO many words:

"O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer; and by night, but I have no rest. YET You are holy, O You who are enthroned upon the praises of Israel. In You our fathers trusted; They trusted and You delivered them. To You they cried out and were delivered; In You they trusted and were not disappointed."

and it's TRUE. 

not only have i seen the Lord come through in my own life time and time again in His faithfulness but there is an ENTIRE book the size of 10 novels just overflowing with testimony of His never-ending faithfulness.

and why is it we think we, as Christians can make all the 'right' decisions to pave the way to a picture-perfect life? i don't know, maybe i'm the only one. but seriously, just LOOK at the lives of the people in the Bible. i'm not going to say that almost every one of them committed horrible sins but, well, let's just say God didn't leave us without example of bad decisions gone wrong. who am i kidding?? 

anyways, of course the pain is still there, but i'm also reminded of the man Job. simply ASTOUNDING the hurt and pain he went through- simply to prove to Satan, before God, that he would remain faithful no matter what his circumstances. now THAT is a challenge! and the words of his that are the most unbelievable are in response to his wife's suggestion to curse God and die. to this he replies:

"...you speak as one of the foolish women speaks. shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity also?"

indeed.

and as we think about Christmas and the Christ child i was reminded last

night at the Christmas Eve service of one of my favorite

names of God that comes up much more often around

Christmastime-

'Emmanuel'

meaning

"God with Us"

really, that's all i need to know.

I refuse to live my life saying "I'm fine."

apathy is one of my biggest pet peeves.

i cannot stand it when people become used to a life of acceptance and complacency and CHOOSE to stay in that life.

don't get me wrong, i do believe, of course, that life will always have its ups and downs.

i mean more when it comes to asking for help as opposed to "just dealing".

i find it VERY interesting that people see nothing wrong with turning to professionals for say, personal training, getting the car fixed, having alterations done, etc. but yet have a big problem seeking help when it comes to personal issues- especially when there is a long-term relationship involved that was promised to be forever. the ONE thing that should be valued above all else on this earth.

i say all this because recently i have been finding myself running from the word "fine". that is the last thing i want my life to be because my God created me for an ABUNDANT life and that's what i'm after.

sometimes it's really easy to let circumstances and situations and difficulties weigh me down and keep me from living joyfully, abundantly; but that's exactly what the Enemy wants and i refuse to give in. 

why settle if i don't have to?

it's the way i've lived every other area of my life

so why not?

i am SO happy as of late.

so MYSELF.

feeling.

growing.

living in a very large way.

i am thankful for the strength that God has blessed me with to sustain my sanity and contentment...

i think the difference between complacency and contentment is really interesting:

       ***com·pla·cen·cy

  

         –noun, plural -cies.

1. a feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unawareof some potential danger, defect, or the like; self-satisfaction or smug satisfaction with an existing situation,condition, etc.

***con·tent·ment

— adj
1.	mentally or emotionally satisfied with things as they are
2.	assenting to or willing to accept circumstances, a proposedcourse of action, etc DO YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE??? danger. being unaware of danger. veeeery interesting.

our pastor spoke today on simplicity in the lives of a few of the people surrounding the Christmas story...

1. The shepherds

     *** do you realize that they did not even question what the angels told them??? i'd never thought about this before but it IS rather admirable. to have seen a whole host of angels- a supernatural occurrence-  and to not even stop to scratch their heads?! they simply believed as they said "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about." (Luke 2:15) extraordinary!!! they

 simply BELIEVED

2. Simeon

    ***and Simeon who had waited his WHOLE life to see the "Lord's Christ". can you imagine just going about your life day to day to day knowing it could happen any moment and yet staying faithful to your life, your responsibilities, your God year after year after year. that takes an INCREDIBLE amount of faith and determination to simply WAIT

3. Mary and Joseph

     ***and the parents of Jesus. to WILLINGLY step in to a situation of ridicule and humiliation as those around them speculated on how Mary had become pregnant. and then to continue to follow as their life was uprooted time after time following God's direction without knowing what their next step would be or when. simply OBEYING no matter the difficulty or inconvenience or discomfort. amazing!

the message of these 3 examples gave me hope again to keep believing, waiting, and obeying no matter what some situations or circumstances may look like.

and yet in all three of these examples i cannot help but see the exuberance in all the God was working through the lives of these people. i highly doubt they would say "ok God, it's fine". 

RATHER

"Lord, we will trust every word that comes from Your mouth and in the times when you are silent we will live in light of all the extraordinary things You have shown us thus far and delight in the life You have given us in which to revel and glorify You."

~NOT complacent, but CONTENT~

content.

in freedom, in love, in grace, in joy, in blessings- in NEW ABUNDANT LIFE!

(no matter what the tribulations and trials the above trumps ALL)

i WILL be much more than fine!

with a life full of all these, who wouldn't??!?!

what is YOUR heart longing to say?

i love the purifying properties taking a shower has on my soul.

at the same time, i hate that i feel a need to purify myself.

...it's kind of like the same way i love running and then 60% into my mileage i have this mind game with myself about what in the world was i thinking and what did i ever think i'd accomplish by taking on the world at 5am in the morning. 

~but there's such a sanctity to it too~

honestly, as i've been training for my next up and coming half-marathon that i'll be running this sunday,

one of the songs that i've gone back to time and again is "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns.

Not necessarily the most upbeat, pump-it-up, get 'er movin' kind of song but i've realized along the way that when i don't think i can go any further, when i don't feel like i have another step in me, THAT'S when all my insecurities resurface to validate all the lies running through my head. and that's EXACTLY when i need to hear that every step of the way Jesus is singing over me, glorying over the fact that i'm loving the life He has given me- without giving power to the lies my heart will so easily believe if i let it.

in all sincerity i feel like it is a daily battle to really stay true to myself and to keep the spirit God has given me, alive.

i know full well that i have way too many hobbies and interests-

maybe i'm just uber-talented, haha.

seriously though, i really wish i took more time to paint, to draw, to play the piano, to read, to write, to sew, to make jewelry, to ride horses... the list goes on.

you know the drill...it's always 

"later", 

"after the laundry", 

"this weekend", 

"over the holidays", 

"once the dog is potty-trained", 

"once work is under control", 

"once the baby is a year old", 

etc., etc., etc.

well, i actually have been reading a little more than normal recently 

and today i was really challenged once again by Shauna Niequist:

"We're desperate  for great storytellers, great painters, great dancers, great cooks, because art does something nothing else does. Art slips past our bains straight into our bellies. It weaves itself into our thoughts and feelings and the open spaces in our souls, and it allows us to live more and say more and feel more. Great art says the things we wished someone would say out loud, the things we wish we could say out loud...

I know that life is busy and hard, and that there's crushing pressure to just settle down and get a real job and khaki pants and a haircut. But don't. Please don't. Please keep believing that life can be better, brighter, broader, because of the art that you make. Please  keep demonstrating the courage that it takes to swim upstream in a world that prefers putting away for retirement to putting pen to paper, that chooses practicality over poetry, that values you more for going to the gym than going to the deepest places in your soul. Please keep making art for people like me, people who need the magic and imagination and honesty of great art to make the day-to-day world a little more bearable.

And if, for whatever reason, you've stopped- stopped believing in your voice, stopped fighting to find the time-start today...Do something creative every day, even if you work in a cubicle, even if you have a newborn, even if someone told you a long time ago that you're not an artist, or you can't sing or you have nothing to say. Those people are bad people, and liars, and we hope they develop adult-onset acne really bad. Everyone has something to say. Everyone. Because everyone, every person was made by God, in the image of God. If he is a creator, and in fact he is, then we are creators, and no one...can take that away from you."

really, i'm just plain tired of coming home from work each night feeling like i haven't done anything of importance for the day. not even that, but rather that i haven't gloried in the gift it is. i want to be the best me every day that i can be and i know that part of that is returning to the things i love- that are wholly a part of who i am. 

not facebook

or catching up on my favorite shows

or having one more serving of the ice cream in the freezer that shouldn't even be there

or checking my email

i love catching the 

little moments

little inspirations

little revelations

little sparkles of hope and joy in the eyes of a three year old.

i hate to say that too often i miss it because i forget what i'm looking for-

i forget the stuff i'm made of and what it takes to keep me myself.

that said, i'm off to create some gifts for my niece... 

"Sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness." ~Galway Kinnell

"I owe my body an apology. Technically, I owe my body thousands of apologies, for the thousands of times I've accused it, pushed it, pulled it, starved it, stuffed it, made fun of it, lied about it, hid it, hated it... I'm sorry for taking you for granted, for wishing you were different, and for abusing you because you looked different than i wanted you to. I'm sorry. And thank you. Thank you for, despite my persecution, being strong and able in the most important way."

our bodies truly are amazing.

i've not really taken the time to stop and notice it until the past 

couple of years but when i look at what i am able to do, yes, i AM so lucky!

i guess what i'm saying is this-

for so long my sense of who i was, what i was worth, what i was able to accomplish 

was completely and totally defined by my relationship to my body.

part of what i have been learning over the past 6 months is to not have a "relationship" with my body but rather to be one with it.

while reading the best selling book titled "Women, Food and God", i became

aware how much of my issue has been self-hate which was quite a surprise because I thought i was just a perfectionist, haha.

here's some excerpts that i've been meditating on the past few hours:

"We treat ourselves and the rest of the world as if deprivation, punishment and shame lead to change... The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value and possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. Not fight it. Not force it. Not deprive it. Not shame it. Not do anything but accept [and understand it]. Because if you force and deprive and shame yourself into being thin you end up a deprived, shamed, fearful person who will also be thin for ten minutes."

so you see, deprivation is simply a means of survival in the end 

(in that there is hope for change) and i don't want to just survive. 

so i am abolishing deprivation in my life and rather changing 

those things that i really WANT to- not the things the 

world tells me i OUGHT to. and not on any sort of time schedule.

i'll admit, life is not always filled with loveliness. sometimes it's rather bleak and dark. 

but here's the catch:

"There are things that happen to us, and when they happen, they give us two options. Either way, we will never be the same, and we shouldn't. These things can either strip us down to the bone and allow us to become strong and honest, or they can be the reasons we use to behave poorly indefinitely, the justification for all manner of broken relationships and broken ideals. 

It could be the thing that allows everything else to turn, that allows the lock of our lives to finally spring open and our pent-up selves to blossom like preening flowers. Or it can be the reason we use to justify our anger and the sharp tones in our voices for the rest of our lives."

so i suppose in the past, insecurity in my job, my marriage, 

my abilities, my leadership roles, anything really 

could on any given day lead me to a refuge in food. 

but no more.

God is really teaching me to see the blessings in the curses.

to take each opportunity and hardship and struggle to grow as 

a person and to continue becoming a truer version of myself.

"There are things that explode into our lives and we call them curses, and then one day, a year later or ten years later, we realize that they are actually something else. They are the very most precious kinds of blessings."

which is exactly why finding my peace and my solace in HIM and believing in His faithfulness to bring beauty from ashes is all i really need in this life. i'm finding a truer contentment in my relationship with Him and in what He is showing and teaching me through all the muck and the slime. life really has nothing to do with my job, my marriage, my abilities, my leadership roles, or anything that i can touch- it has everything to do with what i make of all those circumstances. how i face the insecurities. how i dance to the lack of rhythm and still somehow end up on my toes as opposed to my back.

living life in this way makes it seem so much less of a 

"day to day, crossing my fingers til the weekend" sort of existence.

"When you can invest yourself deeply and unremittingly in the life that surrounds you instead of declaring yourself out of the game once and for all, because what's happened to you is too bad, too deep, too ugly for anyone to expect you to move on from, that's that good, rich place. That's the place where the things that looked for all intents and purposes like curses start to stand up and shimmer and dance, and you realize with a gasp that they may have been blessings all along. Or maybe not. Maybe they were curses, in fact, but the force of your belief and your hope and your desperate love for life as it is actually unfolding, has brought a blessing from a curse, like water from a stone, like life from a tomb, like the actual story of God over and over."

yet,

"Nothing good comes easily. You have to lose things you thought you loved, give up things you thought you needed. You have to get over yourself, beyond your past, out from under the weight of your future. The good stuff never comes when things are easy. It comes when things are all heavily weighted down like moving trucks. It comes just when you think it never will..."

and

so that

is how i live 

life 

in a way that i welcome

whatever life throws at me.

AND AM HAPPY.

(QUOTES FROM "COLD TANGERINES" BY SHAUNA NIEQUIST)