i just had an epiphany...

from a Dove candy wrapper.

what did it say?

"sleep under the stars tonight"

(and that's all i needed to hear)

why does such a simple phrase result in said epiphany, you might ask?

because that's EXACTLY what being dirty and getting clean has all been about.

SIMPLICITY

funny, isn't it?

how something so small can make it all so clear.

(if only i would listen to myself... seems i remember writing something on this very subject about a month and a half ago while in Savannah.)

but, yes.

it IS the simple things in life that really make it all worthwhile. how do i ever forget so easily???

maybe this is a hint at the fact that i'm still not ok with who i am. that i feel like i still need to accomplish something great. that i'm not comfortable sitting back and relaxing b/c then i'd be STUCK with myself in all that i am.

is this just a futile dream or can it really be a reality to be so content and at peace with life as it is? without the need for goals or accomplishments? i believe that we were made as beings that need purpose- maybe the problem is that i'm not satisfied with the purpose God has created me for?

oh boy. i feel like i'm talking in circles again.

i've definitely always placed high expectations on myself.

maybe that's what needs to go.

maybe i don't want to let go of it b/c i'm afraid of trusting myself without having to "live up" to something.

maybe that's all it is.

learning to trust myself.

to trust the person God created me to be.
anyways, really the only 'goal' i had for this year was to be better grounded in my marriage and, well, that kind of seems to right in hand with this... meant to be?
i say yes.

maybe amidst all the ways i HAVE changed and found so much victory over struggling with distorted body image, maybe i'm still not living in acceptance of me- ALL i am.

food for thought...