Clean

Ok, so now to get clean.

for me, in this kind of situation, consists of placing no expectations on myself. often when i have lost the consciousness of feeling  then it is necessary for me to simplify my life as absolutely as possible in order for me to regain that coherency.

i've been thinking about yoga a lot the past couple days.

i always feel SO good when i do it- in ALL aspects.

mentally, emotionally, physically...

i guess i don't do it as much as i'd like b/c it's a little expensive to do classes and the whole social aspect of it i really like. probably b/c i'm in the sphere of children 40hrs/wk and having adult interaction is just so healing.

i've really been trying to listen to my heart about running and racing too.

is it something i REALLY want to do? or is it just something that makes me feel important to myself?

what are my motives?

i'm having an idea about boycotting "working out" for a month (taking away the 'duty' to it) and instead taking the time to build into myself and my marriage and the areas of my life there that i really want to nurture.

there's a couple sides to this:

1. i can see myself being much more at peace with myself

2. it scares me

3. i do NOT like feeling weak and

4. exercising is really good for my mood so

will need to do some physical activity

(which is why i'm thinking simply taking the 'duty' out of it will be enough?)

i've had this idea b/c i'm wondering if placing so many expectations and goals in my life overwhelms me to the point of rejecting my feelings of need and therefore leads me to emotional eating for fear of admitting to myself that those BIG parts of me maybe aren't really what i want.

who knows.

it would be an experiment.


(it's funny so many posts are resulting from a magazine i was reading last week that i haven't even gotten around to mentioning yet... ha.)