Dirty

What is it exactly that makes one feel dirty?
i am most certainly the antithesis of what it is to the majority of everyone else.

for me, feeling dirty has absolutely nothing having to do with dirt.

i actually rather like being dirty, sweaty, spent.

it makes me feel like i've accomplished something, i guess.

no, rather, given my struggle with emotional eating, it is very easy for me to feel dirty if i do not feed my body with wholesome foods and take care of myself.

which happened way too much over the weekend.

ok, so i've been breaking one of my rules.

the one about allowing myself to feel whatever emotion comes my way.

i realized it last week but i guess just admitting it doesn't necessarily equal dealing with it.

SOOOOOoooo

this weekend i pretty much ate to my hearts content. which was fun in a way- and my husband certainly enjoyed watching me eat (i don't know i'll really ever understand why guys are like that)- but NOW i feel DIRTY and yucky and can't even eat dinner. all b/c i chose not to take the time to feel.

i came home tonight thinking i'd go for a run and then realized that doing so would only be an attempt at reconciling for my "sins". no, it was much more important that i rest in the quiet and start feeling.

so i snuggled with my puppy for a good 5 minutes. just sat and brushed my fingers through her fur.
enjoyed her. rested in the stillness and in the quiet.

then i took a shower. i took care of myself.

THEN i took time to put lotion on- whoa- THAT never happens.

then i took off all my jewelry and put on something simple and comfortable.

then i made a cup of tea- the good kind.
i looked in the mirror and saw myself and was content.

why?

because taking care of myself= respecting myself= an accomplishment to be proud of

in the past i have accused others of not really seeing me for who i am but it just hit me that more often than i'd ever want, i don't see myself either. whenever i take the time to stop and think about feeling clean, i get a vision of health, contentment, and fulfillment. like a goal fulfilled. knowing exactly what i want and how to get it. i would like for that vision to stay in the forefront of my mind. that i wouldn't try to escape any feeling or fear and therefore lose sight of who i even am.

but actually learning to stop and take that time to recognize my needs, my characteristics, my intrinsic qualitites on a regular basis is what i have not yet learned.
taking the time to really look in the mirror.

i NEED another image board. 

i need focus. 

i get so confused sometimes. sure, i like working out, i like running, i like playing soccer, i like feeling strong and being in shape. but at what cost?? i feel so much more fulfilled being a wife who actually cooks for her husband, prepares his lunches, and is actively accomplishing things in the home- who JOYS in the home. i am not there. 

in a way i don't know what i want. i LOVE racing, i really do. i LOVE playing soccer- that's a given. but neither of these things can be done without putting time into conditioning my body and i just don't have a lot of time to do it all. 

right now i feel like it's one or the other and am not sure i can do without either...

<sigh>



i feel overwhelmed and maybe a little lost about what my life is supposed to be.
so i said it.

and you know what? those feelings are not going to kill me.

maybe this is all about allowing myself time to figure it out. not feeling like i have to have it all together, to ALWAYS have a plan and know exactly what i am to do.

all i really want is to feel whole.

(hint: this is probably where prayer for wisdom and direction come in. hmmmmm.)

~