Head vs. Emotion

today was REALLY REALLY LOOOOOONG.

i had posted with my fitness accountability group that i was going to workout with my kettlebells tonight but that was 3 whole days ago and there was NO way it was going to happen after an 11hr day today and 14hr day yesterday, until...

i admitted to myself what i KNEW i needed and made the choice with my head to

go for a walk with the dog.

when it was the LAST thing i felt like doing.

no joking, i could hardly make myself stand up but KNEW that i needed just a short walk around the block to decompress from being inside most of the day.

then guess what happened...

i felt so invigorated i decided to get my workout in!

                              

                              but...

                            WHY???

1. I valued myself enough to be ok with replacing a real workout with a short simple walk

2. I accepted that I would take a shower with no sweat to wash away and didn't feel guilty! (i have this thing with not taking a shower unless i workout- which makes me workout so i can "earn" a shower. horrible, i know but habits of 10years don't vanish in 1year. still working on that one...)

3. I realized if I could make the decision with my head- instead of emotions- to give myself what my heart clearly told me i needed- a walk- then surely I could make the same decision regarding my workout. 

   in other words, positive decisions- NO MATTER HOW SMALL- are powerful motivators and encouragers. 

i'll admit, this sounds like a really little deal but for me working out, getting my blood pumping, is really important for my mental health as exercise boosts my endorphin levels a LOT. so, exercising for me is basically a proactive choice that i make for the coming days.

but then it got me thinking...

how often do i really make my decisions this way?? it's obviously the healthiest way to choose:

"Thus says the LORD, "Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind And makes flesh his strength, And whose heart turns away from the LORD.

For he will be like a bush in the desert And will not see when prosperity comes, But will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, A land of salt without inhabitant.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD.

For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit.

The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?

I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give to each man according to his ways, According to the results of his deeds."

~ Jeremiah 17:5-10

...healthiest when a person has the mind of the LORD, as the verses say, as opposed

to trusting in the deceitful human heart (emotion).

i suppose this path of thought got me thinking deeper b/c of the many things that have been happening in my life over the past couple months.

more specifically, the innumerable amount of times i've had to make decisions with my head and NOT my emotions.

most times against my will, if i were honest. 

we live in such a feel-good society, it really does rather go against the grain to make head decisions. just look at the mess the world is in- is it not all b/c someone "felt" a certain way? and then yet another person reacts b/c of an opposing "feeling"?? did Eve not "feel" like making her own decision just once b/c the fruit was "desirable" (positive emotion) to her??

oh, the futility of choosing on emotion. 

yet it happens ALL the time. and needless pain results. a LOT of it.

one of my biggest pet peeves is how some people place such a high importance on being "happy".

what does that mean, anyway??

and WHERE in the bible does it say that we are owed happiness??????????

 

i have found that the objects from which i gain- not happiness- but joy, are those things i have to work at the hardest. ie: my art projects, the children i care for, my spirituality, staying in shape, running races, cooking wholesome meals, the list goes on...

what do all these things have in common?

frustration, disappointment, failure................ PERSEVERANCE

"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly."

-Romans 5:3-6

as was once said, "even the trees must go through the winter in order to see the day of new growth and promise in the buds and blossoms of spring..."

~i am THANKFUL God gave me the grace, strength, and solidity to choose with my head~

The mystery of turning anger into love

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you...

Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them."

(Matthew 5:44, Luke 6:29, 32)

it's been awhile since i've blogged.

it's really a victory, in a way, because as i said in my last post, my main goal for this year is to be rooted and grounded in my husband and in supporting him. 

so that's exactly what i've been busy doing. 

(ok, so i've also taken on an additional 10 teenage girls to try and keep up with.

i know, as well as anybody who knows me, that i will never run short of things to keep me busy.)

that's not the point.

the point is, amidst my absence from this blog much growth has continued to take place.

much to my chagrin as growth always means "the hard stuff".

BLECH.

sometimes it's REALLY REALLY hard to remain that strong tower amidst the hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis. sometimes all i want is to be vindicated, relieved, freed. what is righteous anger anyways??

THE TRUTH IS, THE RIGHTEOUS RESPONSE IS TO LOVE.

and right now, that is the hard choice that i don't know i can make.

aren't i bridging enough gaps, Lord?

it's not like i'm choosing the easy route in any way.

really?

there's one more thing You must ask of me?

great.

"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

love your enemies.

i can assuredly say i have never quite felt the reality of that command until now...

believe me, everything in me wants to run.

"Tho much is taken, much abides; and tho

We are not now that strength which in old days

Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;

...

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

TO STRIVE, TO SEEK, TO FIND AND NOT TO YIELD"

One year gone, another year come

So this is my New Year's post... a week late, obviously, but that's just life. oh well.

i wanted to really recap the year as a declaration to myself of all the things i have accomplished.

(if the perfectionist in me doesn't see progress 

depression ensues so this is an important part of life for me.)

In a nutshell, last year i had 3 goals:

1. run a half marathon

2. learn to surf

3. complete a triathlon

The results of last year's goals:

1. ran 2 half-marathons with plans for completing more this year :) i discovered i LOVE racing long distance!! something i NEVER thought i was cut out to do

2. my trip to hawaii was cancelled resulting in procrastination in accomplishing this goal (maybe this year?)

3. swimming competitively freaks me out and i really don't care anymore now that i'm loving running. (maybe a duathlon this year?)

so, yeah, basically my succes rate is 33.3%

BUT

last year was SO much more than that!

one of my dear friends introduced me to the idea of a "vision board" a couple years ago and the most current one i am measuring myself up against i had ALL last year so i think that, really, is a MUCH more accurate way of measuring my growth as a person, which honestly matters more to me...

here are some inspiring quotes that are on my board and circumstances that proved their validity in my life:

1. be a better you- 

*in a world constantly influencing us into thinking we need to be someone else or "be" a different way, or change to be accepted, in all the ways i'm changing and growing i want to do so in a way that i can stay true to myself.

2. travel to our waterworld, swim through the air, run through the water and be one with the humidity- (b/c i HATE humidity and that is all FL has unfortunately)-

*the summer of 2009 i really let the heat and humidity of summer in FL to make me ornery and upset. in 2010 i wanted to CHOOSE a positive attitude and make the best of it! i was MUCH happier this summer and embraced it as well as i could- seems to have worked b/c my husband told me last week it was the hottest summer on record and it seemed much more bearable to me than the previous year.

3. Time to shine-

*this kind of goes along with #1 but i really wanted to take my passions and and be the best at them i could be. my life in 2010 felt very enriching both through self-cultivation and service

4. early bird gets the burn-

*it was a goal of mine to not let early, early mornings get in the way of me carving out time to run. i'd done it in high school- why not now?? mission completed. many mornings my sneakers found themselves hitting the pavement before 6am in order to train for my second half marathon.

5. self expression-

*in the past year i have really given some thought into what MY art is. i am working on developing my personal style and voice in the art i create and am giving myself more time to do so. 

6. give voice to your heart- 

*in May of last year i quit my job of 3.5 years simply b/c i realized it wasn't what i wanted in my life anymore and b/c i had a choice. in my mind, sticking with this job was something that had been on a "timeline" of what i expected out of myself but when i really reevaluated where i was personally and what i wanted out of life at that time i realized the two could not coexist. really it just comes down to the fact that i NEVER want to look back at a period of my life and wish i'd done it differently. Carpe Diem! some opportunities that are here today will not be here tomorrow...

7. confidence is about your inner vision of who you are- 

*this blog is the result. choosing to find who i am in the very depth of ME- not in my OUTWARD APPEARANCE

8. live your best life-

*comparable to #6. take chances, make changes, love who i am, what i'm doing. check! 

9. my only requirement for life is that i don't get stuck in a rut-

*LOVE this one! God created me for an abundant life and that's what i aspire to! whether it's learning, exploring, training, health, my marriage, lifestyle- i NEVER want to take for granted where i am and find myself accepting that all these facets of my life are in the "fine" category. i ALWAYS want to be growing and challenged.

10. you've blazed your own trail-

*in a day and age when people are most always satisfied with their current circumstances i'm constantly reevaluating my life and circumstances, dreams and goals, aspirations and cultivating an all-around "gutsy" attitude to do what it takes to make the most out of this life, these talents, abilities, dreams God has given me; to the chagrin of my husband, ha. 

"to strive, to seek, to find and not to yield" (as in to the status quo.) no thanks! :)~ 

so really, in all the things that matter, last year was a 100% success!

it certainly wasn't perfect (refer to the last post!) but i'm happy to say that all the difficulties bring me to where i am today- and i wouldn't do it any different... (well, except for maybe the infection!- MISERABLE)

in the fact that last year was certainly a success for ME, 

i've come to my ONLY meaningful resolution for this year:

~success in my marriage~

you see, unfortunately it took some drastic circumstances in the last couple weeks of last year to show me that i have NOT been the kind of wife that i ought to be. as i reevaluated what a wife is supposed to be- biblically- i could not find myself in that description. on the outside, maybe, yes. but on the inside?? in my hearts of hearts?? no way. because my husband and i are so independent he has never asked me to be different but i see now that i MUST be. i have not been the "help meet" as God created woman to be when He created her for man. maybe this doesn't make much sense but it is VERY clear to me in my head. i have not been my husbands greatest supporter, cheerleader, confidant, friend. putting him before myself b/c i WANT to. revering, respecting him as the leader of our home. none of these things have happened unconditionally as i've been called to do. but i DO want to. i see it now and find myself in a place where perhaps i have never felt so in the center of God's will before. perhaps because this service as a wife is really to the Lord first and it is obedience- no strings attached, no stipulations. simply because it is what i'm created to be.

basically the way that i'm beginning to see it is it's all about 

growing my rootz

in my husband.

in who he is, in his needs, in his dreams, in his life.

i really want to be interwoven into his life

and i don't think that has happened yet.

i now see he really is 

ALL 

i have on this earth and i WANT to be an inseparable part of his life.

and honestly, i'm EXCITED! 

i do believe this next year will be the best yet of my marriage.

i cannot WAIT to see what the year holds!!

So This is the New Year

i find myself in a back corner of one of Savannah's finest independent coffee shops and have to ask myself,

"When is it that we divert from what we love and make life so complicated??"

it never fails, i always come back to the same aspirations 

whenEVER i am in a town such as this.

i go back to my art.

back to the small town feel- that exists inside a rather large town- that i adore.

back to exploration.

back to the vigor i really want in every day of my life.

back to what is exactly, completely, wholly ALL that i really want:

a cup of tea, a book and my husband by my side  

preferably on a rainy afternoon

(and not necessarily in that order)

oh yes, and most times with biscotti or a scone as well

(just not today)

such simplicity, soooo

why do i make life so complicated?

it's times like these i really have to contemplate what it is that i devote myself to every day.

of course this is always so easy to say while on vacation. 

but at the same time it really is unfortunate how so much i allow stuff to run my life.

another adoration:

living in an area where i can walk to and from the market, coffee shop, bookstore, art galleries, etc.

-it's just pure joy!

i get so tiresome of running out to the store all the time that i think i purchase more than is needed just so that i can save myself a trip. but then everything piles up. and God knows the piles certainly don't take care of themselves. i need a return to simplicity. FOR REAL.

-an extremely daunting request of  an artist, fashionista, musician, and athlete.

i told myself no resolutions but perhaps this can simply be my quest for this year.

to purge.

when you come as close as i have to losing the thing most dearest to you

you just simply have no choice but to reevaluate.

who you are, what you're doing, where you're going.

and what of all that MATTERS

2010 was learning to love myself, perhaps 2011 will be learning to love my life- no strings attached. 

wholly, purely, organically.

in all it is, whatever it is, not expecting it to be something it's not.

So This is Christmas...

my pastor said something last Sunday that i have found quite profound...

"often you will find that most everyone is fine and happy about Jesus in the mangerbut when you put Him on a cross, people have a problem with that."

that's the way it is isn't it? we want to stay in a place of simplicity.

 for when we come to the hard, difficult truths of life we shy away and run into the arms of all we used to know to be pleasant and safe and painless. 

easy, simple, manageable.

but really, is that what life is about???

being able to manage it?

i am convinced without a doubt that it is just the opposite.

this year has not been easy for me. not one bit.

yet i have grown by leaps and bounds- on a monthly basis- and let me tell you, God is squeezing in all He can out of the last few days of this year.

but see, it is out of the hardships, the pain, the grief, the tears and mourning that i HAVE grown. perhaps simply because i CHOSE to make that hard decision to not run.

at the very beginning of my blog i wrote about learning to stay. stay in the pain, stay in the chaos, stay in the ups and downs of life. that has been a really massive theme of my life this year and maybe just now i'm realizing, gratefully, that that theme has an essay that surrounds it.

in these last few days of the year i am facing some of the toughest hurts and emotions of my life and as once again i was COMPELLED without choice to open my Bible to find the strength to function i've been struck by SO many words:

"O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer; and by night, but I have no rest. YET You are holy, O You who are enthroned upon the praises of Israel. In You our fathers trusted; They trusted and You delivered them. To You they cried out and were delivered; In You they trusted and were not disappointed."

and it's TRUE. 

not only have i seen the Lord come through in my own life time and time again in His faithfulness but there is an ENTIRE book the size of 10 novels just overflowing with testimony of His never-ending faithfulness.

and why is it we think we, as Christians can make all the 'right' decisions to pave the way to a picture-perfect life? i don't know, maybe i'm the only one. but seriously, just LOOK at the lives of the people in the Bible. i'm not going to say that almost every one of them committed horrible sins but, well, let's just say God didn't leave us without example of bad decisions gone wrong. who am i kidding?? 

anyways, of course the pain is still there, but i'm also reminded of the man Job. simply ASTOUNDING the hurt and pain he went through- simply to prove to Satan, before God, that he would remain faithful no matter what his circumstances. now THAT is a challenge! and the words of his that are the most unbelievable are in response to his wife's suggestion to curse God and die. to this he replies:

"...you speak as one of the foolish women speaks. shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity also?"

indeed.

and as we think about Christmas and the Christ child i was reminded last

night at the Christmas Eve service of one of my favorite

names of God that comes up much more often around

Christmastime-

'Emmanuel'

meaning

"God with Us"

really, that's all i need to know.

I refuse to live my life saying "I'm fine."

apathy is one of my biggest pet peeves.

i cannot stand it when people become used to a life of acceptance and complacency and CHOOSE to stay in that life.

don't get me wrong, i do believe, of course, that life will always have its ups and downs.

i mean more when it comes to asking for help as opposed to "just dealing".

i find it VERY interesting that people see nothing wrong with turning to professionals for say, personal training, getting the car fixed, having alterations done, etc. but yet have a big problem seeking help when it comes to personal issues- especially when there is a long-term relationship involved that was promised to be forever. the ONE thing that should be valued above all else on this earth.

i say all this because recently i have been finding myself running from the word "fine". that is the last thing i want my life to be because my God created me for an ABUNDANT life and that's what i'm after.

sometimes it's really easy to let circumstances and situations and difficulties weigh me down and keep me from living joyfully, abundantly; but that's exactly what the Enemy wants and i refuse to give in. 

why settle if i don't have to?

it's the way i've lived every other area of my life

so why not?

i am SO happy as of late.

so MYSELF.

feeling.

growing.

living in a very large way.

i am thankful for the strength that God has blessed me with to sustain my sanity and contentment...

i think the difference between complacency and contentment is really interesting:

       ***com·pla·cen·cy

  

         –noun, plural -cies.

1. a feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unawareof some potential danger, defect, or the like; self-satisfaction or smug satisfaction with an existing situation,condition, etc.

***con·tent·ment

— adj
1.	mentally or emotionally satisfied with things as they are
2.	assenting to or willing to accept circumstances, a proposedcourse of action, etc DO YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE??? danger. being unaware of danger. veeeery interesting.

our pastor spoke today on simplicity in the lives of a few of the people surrounding the Christmas story...

1. The shepherds

     *** do you realize that they did not even question what the angels told them??? i'd never thought about this before but it IS rather admirable. to have seen a whole host of angels- a supernatural occurrence-  and to not even stop to scratch their heads?! they simply believed as they said "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about." (Luke 2:15) extraordinary!!! they

 simply BELIEVED

2. Simeon

    ***and Simeon who had waited his WHOLE life to see the "Lord's Christ". can you imagine just going about your life day to day to day knowing it could happen any moment and yet staying faithful to your life, your responsibilities, your God year after year after year. that takes an INCREDIBLE amount of faith and determination to simply WAIT

3. Mary and Joseph

     ***and the parents of Jesus. to WILLINGLY step in to a situation of ridicule and humiliation as those around them speculated on how Mary had become pregnant. and then to continue to follow as their life was uprooted time after time following God's direction without knowing what their next step would be or when. simply OBEYING no matter the difficulty or inconvenience or discomfort. amazing!

the message of these 3 examples gave me hope again to keep believing, waiting, and obeying no matter what some situations or circumstances may look like.

and yet in all three of these examples i cannot help but see the exuberance in all the God was working through the lives of these people. i highly doubt they would say "ok God, it's fine". 

RATHER

"Lord, we will trust every word that comes from Your mouth and in the times when you are silent we will live in light of all the extraordinary things You have shown us thus far and delight in the life You have given us in which to revel and glorify You."

~NOT complacent, but CONTENT~

content.

in freedom, in love, in grace, in joy, in blessings- in NEW ABUNDANT LIFE!

(no matter what the tribulations and trials the above trumps ALL)

i WILL be much more than fine!

with a life full of all these, who wouldn't??!?!