loss and faithfulness

Lake Superior was fabulous. And heart-wrenching all at the same time.

It became clear to me, first, that it will never be a reality to go back on a scheduled basis.

Secondly, i came to the conclusion that my husband and I need to find a realistic place to make 

the same kind of precious memories with the children we will have.

It's beautiful, breathtaking, holy that place.

It nourishes my soul and heals like no other place on earth.

I'd say I even feel more at home there than anywhere else.

...which is interesting considering that community has always been part of feeling "home" for me.

But see, this is a place I have come to meet the Lord in a very real way. 

To pour out my soul to the rushing waves and the sunrises and sunsets and the sand and the rocks. Some of my deepest cries have been birthed there in the silence and solitude and sanctity. 

this trip wasn't any different.

Crazy as it is, one of the traditions that my mom and I particularly have when we go to Lake Superior is to look for rocks. Specifically, Great Lake Agates. They are uncommon and rare to find so it is like a never-ending treasure hunt. It's actually an addiction from the time I arrive until the minute I leave, lol. In every spare moment I can be found down at the lake roaming the shore bent over, endlessly searching. Finding. 

The last night, on my way down to the lake from our campsite I hurried past my parents not wanting to disturb their time together but knowing they'd be watching me enjoy and drink in this place like they had so many times and years before. Probably with a few tears in their eyes of memories and life gone by.

There I was frantically searching in the fading light after sunset desperate to find more agates, and then it occurred to me. I was doing the exact same thing. I didn't REALLY care about finding more rocks- I was picking up the pieces of my childhood. Grasping for what I thought could best bring back the reality of all the happiness I had known in all the years before. 

It was an astounding realization. 

Admitting the pain and loss that I felt was really surprising. And so I wept.

When the tears were gone I felt like I had mourned the death of an era. 

     I don't really want to think about that but all those times spent in that

 place will remain special memories that I will always cherish.

I'm thankful for the faithfulness God has shown me in that place and so grown my faith in the midst of the beauty of His creation.

...I suppose my heart will never cease to long for that place that is such a part of my heart and soul.